February 14^th is the day celebrated as Valentine’s Day in many countries throughout the world. More often than not women expect more from Valentine’s Day than men do. It’s a day many women long for in great and hopeful anticipation of the shower of attention, love and gifts that they will receive from that special person in their life. Of course many ladies will be thrilled at what the day will bring while others may be dismayed and disappointed, wondering if their mate really cares.

Valentine’s Day: Expectations vs. Reality

It is hard not to buy into the hype created by marketers ever since the end of the Christmas and holiday shopping season. It’s hard to suppress over eager emotions and instead listen to your rational mind as it tells you that one day in the year should not be an indicator of how much your mate loves you. In order to guarantee that they won’t be disappointed, some ladies provide their partner with hints, even instructions on what they expect on the special day. Despite all of this, what if your expectations don’t match reality? What does this tell you about the relationship?

The short answer is not much. The more profound question of whether your relationship is sound requires deeper exploration. Be careful not to let your disappointment catapult you to the worst-case scenario. When you have lingering fears and doubts in the back of your mind, those fears will surge forwards at the slightest provocation and will influence how you view and interpret your world. So some questions to ask yourself when you are disappointed are: “Did I have a sneaking suspicion or fear that Valentine’s Day would be a flop?” “Am I overreacting?”

Another factor that impacts the conclusion you have drawn is that you and your partner view the world through very different lenses. Your lenses are colored by your life experiences, your beliefs and your personality. You may see the glass as half empty and he may see glass as half full. The best way to fully understand each other’s perspective is to communicate with an emphasis on listening to each other with an open mind.

When there’s trouble in paradise

From another angle the painful truth is that sometimes we are faced with difficult relationships. If you find that there’s a growing sense of uneasiness in your gut as you examine your relationship, it may be an indication of more serious issues. Here’s an opportunity to do something about it. Work on improving your communication, learn to effectively handle conflict and learn to forgive.

Think of your love relationship as being a story you are writing together. You have the opportunity to learn and grow together as you co-create the story. Like any good novel there are twists and turns in the plot some of which may be nerve wracking. The final outcome heavily dependent on the decisions and actions each of you makes. Take time to think about the story you wish to create. Then take the necessary steps to make it happen.

Click here for an in depth article on how you can Create and Amazing Love Story.

How many times have you promised your spouse that you will get some task done and you really mean to, but you never quite get to it? This is the cause of numerous arguments for couples. When your spouse says, “Let’s clean out the garage next weekend”. You agree that would be great because you’re thinking of how wonderful it will be to have an organized garage. It will make it easier for you to find tools when you need them and maybe you’ll even be able to get the car in there. However come Saturday morning, what sounded like a great idea on Wednesday now feels like a miserable way to spend a Saturday. A day of shopping or hanging around watching TV sounds much better. Overcoming procrastination can be tough.

Most of us procrastinate. No matter how well intentioned we may be, we procrastinate because we value an immediate reward more than a far off reward. We are also skilled in using rationalizations to justify why we deserve to take a break to enjoy the present moment rather than doing a task that isn’t so appealing. Here are some steps to help you with overcoming procrastination.

Break down the task into small, doable segments

If you are thinking of clearing out your garage, you may feel immediately overwhelmed when you survey the accumulation of stuff that has grown over years. Catching sight of this is guaranteed to make you want to close the door and postpone the job for another day. It will be easier to focus on one corner of the garage. Clean up one area and you can use this as your headquarters for tackling each remaining area of the garage.

Pair an unpleasant task with a pleasant one

When faced with an unpleasant project that you would rather avoid, the time will go by faster if you pair it with something that is fun. You may turn on your favorite music or listen to an intriguing audiobook. When you’ve completed the task you may also find that it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be.

Put your money on the line to strengthen your commitment

Here is a concept from the world of Behavioral Economics that will really motivate you to get things done. Ask a friend or relative to hold you accountable. Give them a check of a large enough amount that you wouldn’t want to lose. Their task is to cash the check and use it for anything they wish if you fail to get the promised task completed. Of course if you complete the task as planned, the check is returned to you.

There you have it, simple doable strategies to move you past the all too familiar thought of of, “I’ll just get to it later.”

Leave a comment and let me know how this works for you.

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Source:

Ayres, Ian (2010) Carrots and Sticks: Unlock the Power of Incentives to Get Things Done.

Clear, James “Procrastination: A Scientific Guide on How to Stop Procrastination”.

If you are like most couples the motivation to work on your relationship is born out of a problem such as a major argument or a crisis that threatens the relationship. Your partner’s displeasure or worse the fear of losing your relationship catapults you to take action. And the results are great, at least initially. You and your partner experience a tighter bond, you may feel more appreciated, each of you may be making a greater effort to be considerate and loving towards each other. But then, it doesn’t last. The changes that you both made tend to be short lived as the memory of the problem or crisis that sparked the need for change fades into the background. Does any of this sound familiar? Well read on to find out how you can change that pattern.

Why is it so hard to change habits?

Partners tend to have various explanations for why their mate falls back into old patterns of behavior. “He doesn’t love me enough to change”, or “She only began doing what I asked because she wanted to shut me up.” Such thoughts can lead to frustration and growing resentment. Most importantly they are not necessarily true.

The major reason that you or your spouse may find yourself failing in your attempt to change habits is due to the lasting nature of those old habits. In the midst of a relationship crisis, your motivation to fix the problem increases. But after the painful glare of the crisis has faded, your motivation to change also fades because you are beginning to feel comfortable again. Before you know it, you’ve slipped back into the well-worn patterns of your old behaviors.

Changing for the better

Think about why it’s important to change the behavior that has caused the problem. Perhaps you want to avoid arguments, or you enjoy when there is peace and harmony in your home, or you want to please your partner. Maybe your motivation is to avoid the feeling that your relationship is precariously tilting over the edge of a cliff. Whatever your reason, this is the image that you will need to keep in mind, this is your Why.

The next step in your effort to change your behavior is to get your mindset on track with your Why. Let’s say that your spouse would like you to help out more with responsibilities such as doing the laundry. Maybe you have a mindset block because you believe that you have enough other responsibilities already, plus you hate doing the laundry. With your Why in mind, i.e. you enjoy peace and harmony; try to be creative in figuring out how to make the laundry experience less onerous. With your favorite band pulsing in your earbuds you are less likely to feel irritated as you sort, wash, dry and fold.

The Secret to Sticking with it

Here’s the most important part of making changes and sticking with it, you need to make it a habit. The simplest way to do this is to establish a routine. Let’s take the laundry. Choose a specific day when you know that more often than not you’ll be at home. Next you need a reminder that the laundry needs to be done. This may be as simple as setting an alarm on your phone, on your day off from work, Saturday at 10:00 a.m. Or you may prefer to do the laundry the evening before your day off so that you can get it out of the way. So your reminder would be after you’ve kicked off your work shoes on a Friday, it’s time to do the laundry. Jump in, get it done, be creative and have some fun.

Next give yourself a reward: play a video game; enjoy a tall glass of your favorite beverage, you get the idea. This will seal the deal and will help motivate you to do the laundry routine again and again. The more consistent you are with following your routine, the easier it will be to keep up with the behavior. You will also feel a sense of accomplishment and your mate will be happy.

So a quick recap on the important elements to help you make changes and stick to those changes:

• Focus on your Why
• Get your attitude in shape, clear your mind of any mindset blocks
• Choose a specific day and time to serve as a signal that it’s time to get the job done
• Use your creativity to make the task pleasant
• Treat yourself to something you enjoy
• Reap the benefits of a feeling of accomplishment and a happy mate!

Leave a comment below; fell free to share your thoughts and experiences in creating new habits in your relationship.