If you are like most couples the motivation to work on your relationship is born out of a problem such as a major argument or a crisis that threatens the relationship. Your partner’s displeasure or worse the fear of losing your relationship catapults you to take action. And the results are great, at least initially. You and your partner experience a tighter bond, you may feel more appreciated, each of you may be making a greater effort to be considerate and loving towards each other. But then, it doesn’t last. The changes that you both made tend to be short lived as the memory of the problem or crisis that sparked the need for change fades into the background. Does any of this sound familiar? Well read on to find out how you can change that pattern.

Why is it so hard to change habits?

Partners tend to have various explanations for why their mate falls back into old patterns of behavior. “He doesn’t love me enough to change”, or “She only began doing what I asked because she wanted to shut me up.” Such thoughts can lead to frustration and growing resentment. Most importantly they are not necessarily true.

The major reason that you or your spouse may find yourself failing in your attempt to change habits is due to the lasting nature of those old habits. In the midst of a relationship crisis, your motivation to fix the problem increases. But after the painful glare of the crisis has faded, your motivation to change also fades because you are beginning to feel comfortable again. Before you know it, you’ve slipped back into the well-worn patterns of your old behaviors.

Changing for the better

Think about why it’s important to change the behavior that has caused the problem. Perhaps you want to avoid arguments, or you enjoy when there is peace and harmony in your home, or you want to please your partner. Maybe your motivation is to avoid the feeling that your relationship is precariously tilting over the edge of a cliff. Whatever your reason, this is the image that you will need to keep in mind, this is your Why.

The next step in your effort to change your behavior is to get your mindset on track with your Why. Let’s say that your spouse would like you to help out more with responsibilities such as doing the laundry. Maybe you have a mindset block because you believe that you have enough other responsibilities already, plus you hate doing the laundry. With your Why in mind, i.e. you enjoy peace and harmony; try to be creative in figuring out how to make the laundry experience less onerous. With your favorite band pulsing in your earbuds you are less likely to feel irritated as you sort, wash, dry and fold.

The Secret to Sticking with it

Here’s the most important part of making changes and sticking with it, you need to make it a habit. The simplest way to do this is to establish a routine. Let’s take the laundry. Choose a specific day when you know that more often than not you’ll be at home. Next you need a reminder that the laundry needs to be done. This may be as simple as setting an alarm on your phone, on your day off from work, Saturday at 10:00 a.m. Or you may prefer to do the laundry the evening before your day off so that you can get it out of the way. So your reminder would be after you’ve kicked off your work shoes on a Friday, it’s time to do the laundry. Jump in, get it done, be creative and have some fun.

Next give yourself a reward: play a video game; enjoy a tall glass of your favorite beverage, you get the idea. This will seal the deal and will help motivate you to do the laundry routine again and again. The more consistent you are with following your routine, the easier it will be to keep up with the behavior. You will also feel a sense of accomplishment and your mate will be happy.

So a quick recap on the important elements to help you make changes and stick to those changes:

• Focus on your Why
• Get your attitude in shape, clear your mind of any mindset blocks
• Choose a specific day and time to serve as a signal that it’s time to get the job done
• Use your creativity to make the task pleasant
• Treat yourself to something you enjoy
• Reap the benefits of a feeling of accomplishment and a happy mate!

Leave a comment below; fell free to share your thoughts and experiences in creating new habits in your relationship.