by Grace Sidberry |
Most love relationships start off with a bang! However for too many couples, after a while the breathless gazes are replaced by angry looks and the promise of undying love fades into the distance.
As time goes by and life becomes stressful, you may begin to think your relationship is beyond hope. Could it be that there are certain relationship myths that are affecting your perspective?
Relationship Myth #1 Good Relationships Are Supposed To Be Easy.
If you believe this and you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship you may conclude that you have made a mistake by choosing the wrong partner. The truth is relationships are hard work. It takes effort and time to get to know each other on a deep level.
The process of getting to know each other is like peeling an onion. As you go through different experiences you will discover things about yourself and each other that you never realized before.
Healthy love relationships require you to grow as you learn to adapt to each other and meet each other’s needs. The process of growth is painful at times because you are being challenged to change routines or behaviors that are familiar and very comfortable to you.
For example if you’ve been used to hanging out with friends whenever you want to, the freedom and flexibility feels great to you. However your partner may now want you to coordinate your schedule and plans with her before you agree to meet your friends.
Or you may be used to sharing the intimate details of your personal life with close family members or girlfriends. Your partner may feel that this violates his trust and would like you to be more discreet about what you share. Making adjustments and compromises to honor each other’s concerns may feel like a burden, but these sacrifices help to create a healthy relationship.
Relationship Myth #2 Couples In Good Relationships Hardly Disagree or Fight
Some couples argue a lot and other couples hardly argue. This is a statement of fact and not necessarily an indicator of the health of the relationship. The crucial issue is how a couple works through their disagreements.
Arguments tend to escalate when partners get upset. Heated emotions make it difficult to have a reasonable conversation. You can manage heated emotions by taking a time out and by practicing certain techniques to help you calm down. Once you are calm, you will be in a better frame of mind to communicate with your partner.
Relationship Myth #3 Good Relationships are almost always fun
It goes without saying that you chose to be in a committed relationship with your partner because you wanted to share the joy of living life together. That is as it should be, however as in any other area of life relationships go through phases and difficulties.
At the beginning of your relationship you and your partner probably talked about your goals and dreams. Time has passed and you may have arrived at some of these goals. However instead of happiness and fulfillment, you may be feeling overwhelmed or burdened. You may even be questioning if you still want to be in this relationship.
Usually times of heightened stress trigger difficulties in relationships. These stressors may include parenting, juggling careers, studying for an advanced degree and financial difficulties. The good news is that it is possible to get through this phase of your relationship and to become stronger as you work together to overcome the challenges.
Rekindle The Spark In Your Love Relationship
Consider taking our online course 30 Days to Better Love. This 4-week interactive program provides you with dynamic tools and strategies to help you and your partner work through challenges and experience greater joy in your relationship. You will learn how to:
- Communicate effectively
- Manage conflict
- Create a relationship built on trust
- Nurture physical and sexual intimacy
- Protect your relationship from affairs
- Strategies for managing your finances
- How to handle infidelity
- And much more
You have a choice! Don’t allow relationship myths to ruin your chances for the love you desire. Your decision to invest time and effort into working on your relationship is worth it.
by Grace Sidberry
I was just listening to an interview with Brene Brown, the social researcher who studies shame. She was speaking about the benefit of living wholeheartedly. This means having a willingness to be vulnerable, take risks and actively embrace life fully. Brene made me think about how powerful it is to LOVE wholeheartedly. To do so also involves taking risks and actively embracing all the ups and downs, the struggles and the beautiful times that that are part of being in a committed love relationship.
Dare To Love Wholeheartedly By Being Your Best
When you love wholeheartedly you make the commitment to be the best partner you can be. This includes those times when you are upset with each other. Loving wholeheartedly by being your best means not giving each other the silent treatment. It means taking time to cool down. It also means you try talking through your problems.
Loving wholeheartedly by being your best means practicing forgiveness and choosing not to hold grudges. Although you may find yourself thinking about old arguments and times in the past when your partner has hurt you. You release those memories, realizing that it doesn’t help to keep bringing up those old hurts each time you have a disagreement.
Dare To Love Wholeheartedly And Face Your Fear
Loving wholeheartedly means that you are willing to face the feelings of fear that come with the uncertainty of not knowing how your relationship will unfold. If you’re like most people, you’ve been hurt by someone at some point in your life. Because of that experience, you may be reluctant to put yourself in a position where you could be hurt again. Loving wholeheartedly while facing your fear means that you accept the risk. You do so because you believe that the good that you experience will outweigh the negatives in your relationship.
Dare To Love Wholeheartedly And Get To Know Your Partner
Loving wholeheartedly means that you take the time and make the effort to really get to know your partner. Your relationship provides you with an opportunity for ongoing learning, growing and adapting to each other. No doubt it is frustrating at times when you feel that you just don’t understand your mate. Your willingness to work at trying to understand your mate’s perspective is hugely important in your relationship. Think about how you feel when someone takes the time to stop and listen objectively to your thoughts and feelings. It is especially gratifying when that person acknowledges and respects your rights to your perspective even if they don’t agree with you. That’s what you are trying to achieve with your partner.
Daring to love wholeheartedly means that you make it your priority to show up daily and to give your best to your relationship. It means that you don’t sweat the small stuff and that you are willing to accept the risk that comes with the journey of love. Your reward will be the feelings of fulfillment and security as you love, respect and appreciate each other on a deep level.
by Grace Sidberry |
Put yourself in the driver’s seat and express gratitude. When you do, you will positively influence your emotions and your love relationship.
Cultivate Gratitude and Change Yourself
In a 24-7 social media environment you can’t help but compare your life to people you are following. You might feel that you don’t measure up. It may be that you are unhappy with your looks – you think you aren’t attractive enough. Perhaps it’s the lifestyle that you crave and you wish that you could travel, have the nice car or house like the person you are following on social media. You may feel that you’re not where you thought you would or should be at this particular point in your life. These kinds of thoughts lead to feelings of disappointment, stress and depression.
If you want to positively influence your mood and how your life unfolds, cultivate gratitude. New York Times best selling author Janice Kaplan spent a year living gratefully. She documented how it changed her life and relationships for the better in her book, “The Gratitude Diaries”. There are simple ways to cultivate gratitude in your life.
Try this exercise. Each morning identify at least one thing that you’re grateful for. It need not be complicated, maybe you’re grateful for being able to get up, or maybe you are grateful for your job, even if it’s not the perfect job. Perhaps you are grateful for your family.
Identify the focus of your gratitude and write it down on a Gratitude List. You may prefer to keep a Gratitude Journal or you may want to make a note in the Memo section of your phone. Keep your list where you can review it periodically. When you do, you’ll re-experience the positive feeling that comes when you focus on the things you appreciate.
Cultivate Gratitude and Benefit Your Love Relationship
Experiencing and expressing gratitude also benefits your relationship. It’s important to express your gratitude to your partner. If you are like most people, you tend to focus on the things your partner says or does that annoy or upset you. You may find yourself focusing more on how your partner has failed to live up to your expectations, while you downplay the “little things” your partner does that you do appreciate.
Perhaps you rationalize that those “little things” are basic expectations in your relationship and you shouldn’t have to acknowledge them. However if your partner stopped doing the “little things” that you have come to expect and that you take for granted, you would definitely miss them. Instead make an effort to genuinely express your gratitude to your partner for some of the simple things that he or she does that make your life better. These include preparing a meal, doing laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of the bills, accompanying you to a family event, sharing in childcare responsibilities. You can express appreciation for the time and effort taken to do these things.
Experiencing and expressing gratitude benefits your relationship in two ways. Firstly, when you take time to look for and express appreciation for the things your partner does, it helps to create a positive shift in how you look at your partner and how you feel towards your partner. Secondly when you express gratitude to your partner, it changes how your mate responds to you. Your partner will feel emotionally closer to you. Your loved one will also be more inclined to continue making an effort to impress and please you.
Here is an experiment that will benefit your love relationship. It’s a gratitude letter that you will write secretly over the course of a week and give to your partner at the end of the week.
- Each day for one week, tell your partner one thing that you genuinely appreciate.
- Privately write down your expressed words in a letter, sharing details about why you appreciate that item.
- At the end of the week give the letter to your partner. Watch and see what happens, see how you feel and how it impacts your relationship.
It would be great to hear your story, feel free to come back and share in the comments below.
by Grace Sidberry |
Every day you participate in routine activities that are rituals for getting you through the day. Quite likely you start off your morning with rituals for getting ready such as showering, dressing and eating breakfast. In your love relationship, you also practice specific rituals. Certain connecting rituals are good for the relationship, they help you work together well as a team.
What are Connecting Rituals?
Think about the roles you each play in your partnership, some rituals help bring you closer together as a couple, these are connecting rituals. Most love relationships start off with the couple effortlessly practicing certain connecting rituals such as calling or texting each other at the beginning of the day with morning greetings and wishes for a wonderful day. Throughout the day there may be phone calls or texts and in the evening couples look forward to hearing from or seeing each other.
Many of those connecting rituals disappear unfortunately as relationships progress and as life gets more demanding. Along with the loss of those rituals is the potential for erosion of the positive bond that the connecting rituals provide. Instead of connecting rituals, couples may engage in rituals that create distance. Distancing rituals can seem deceptively harmless, and could be as simple as checking FaceBook, Instagram or email during a conversation with your partner.
Connecting Ritual: Greetings and Partings
A great way to create connecting rituals in your relationship is to start off with the basics. There are four ideal times in your day to intentionally connect with each other.
- Connect first thing in the morning. When you greet your mate with a “Good Morning”, you are sending a message of acknowledgement; you are also first in line to positively influence the tone of their day.
- Connect before you leave each other for work. Before you or your mate leave for the day, share a hug, a kiss and well wishes. You are sharing a gift of warmth and a feeling of being cared for.
- Connect after returning home from work. When you and your mate return home at the end of the day, the partner who is already at home should make the effort to meet and greet the other partner who is coming through the door. A pleasant welcome home does wonders to reinforce the feeling that home is a sanctuary for relaxation and rejuvenation.
- Connect at bedtime. At bedtime, it’s important to close out the day with an affirming gesture such as a hug, a kiss and your hopes for a restful night. You and your mate will enjoy better sleep if your last interaction for the night is positive rather than negative.
Connecting Ritual: Sharing Wins
During their time at home, many couples discuss things that happen at work, parenting concerns and issues and problems that need to be resolved. Of course these are important topics but at times these conversations can become strained creating tension and an impulse to avoid further conversation.
Shift the tone of your time together by including the connecting ritual of sharing wins. Here’s how you do it. During your day when you are away from each other, be on the lookout for anything that you can consider a win and save it to share with your partner in the evening. It may be a complement from a co-worker, your supervisor or a client. It may be the successful completion of a project or a new idea that you would like to implement. As you and your partner get into the habit of sharing your wins, you will begin to eagerly look forward to that special time of sharing.
Over time as you practice connecting rituals, they become habits that are easier for you to maintain without too much effort. You may wonder, if you are engaging in an activity simply because it’s a ritual is it a true expression of your caring and of your desire to connect? The answer is that if you are open to the experience, and you are genuinely being mindful as you greet, embrace and share with your partner, the positive emotions will follow.
Practicing connecting rituals will not instantaneously change your relationship; instead you will gradually begin to notice subtle positive changes such as a decrease in tension, a feeling of looking forward to the connecting times. You will know that these rituals are beneficial when you begin doing them. Practicing connecting rituals contributes towards a positive atmosphere that you will notice if you break away from the ritual. Give it a try.
Do you have your own connecting rituals? Share them in the comment section below.
by Grace Sidberry
Three Tips to Inspire Positive Change in Your Mate
Too many promising love relationships end in ruins. Many couples in committed, viable relationships give up because of feelings of frustration and hopelessness that their relationship can be improved. They fail to realize that they have the power to influence positive change in their relationship.
Relationships are complicated, but generally speaking a viable relationship is one where partners share a desire for unity. A sense of respect and consideration and an absence of abuse also contribute to relationship viability. If you are unsure about whether yours is a viable relationship, it would be a helpful to consult with a licensed professional to get an objective perspective of your situation.
If you and your mate do not have the most positive relationship, there are things that you can do to make it better. It is an undeniable fact that as much as you would like to, you cannot change your partner. The well-known maxim is that you can only change yourself. So this is where you will need to focus if you wish to influence a change in your mate.
Use The Power Of Visualization to Inspire Positive Change
Think of your love relationship as being a journey, you are heading towards a destination. What do you want most of all when you arrive at that destination? Think about the connection that you desire to have with your mate, what do you want it to look like? Think about your family life, what kind of family atmosphere are you wanting to create? This vision of what you desire needs to be clear in your mind.
Visualization works in two ways. First having a clear mental image helps to keep you motivated in those moments when you may find yourself considering giving up. A clear vision of your targeted destination as a couple helps to keep you on track when your mind becomes distracted by frustration or by thoughts that life would be easier if you were single. Sometimes when you are experiencing a challenging phase of your relationship, it is helpful to make sure that how you respond is aligned with your goal. Focus on taking one step at a time as you move towards your goal.
We can understand the secondary benefit of visualization by looking at the world of athletics. Elite athletes prepare themselves for their events by using the power of visualization. They use visualization to help them get mentally and emotionally ready. They do so not just by imagining winning the trophy at the end of the event. They use their imagination to anticipate each stage of the race, or challenging plays that they may encounter on the football field or on the basketball court. They also imagine how they will respond in each situation. Actively imagining yourself as you interact with your partner can help you to prepare effectively for a conversation or an interaction. You will find it beneficial to practice how you would respond if either you or your partner begins to get upset. Take a time out, go for a walk, take a few moments to simply breathe.
Influence Positive Change by Giving
It goes against our instinct to give and to do for someone when you are feeling that your needs are not being met. However this is a counter intuitive fact that goes a long way to encourage your mate to give in return. You may have heard of the concept of the emotional bank account. You and your mate each have an emotional bank account. Each of you has the power to make deposits and also to make withdrawals. As is the case with any bank account, when you maximize your deposits and minimize your withdrawals, you have a more stable account and you also feel more secure.
In order to inspire positive change, choose to make deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account. Commit random acts of loving-kindness. Here are some ideas:
- Offer to do a chore that you know your partner would appreciate.
- Make arrangements for a baby-sitter and take your mate on a date.
- On the way home pick up a small gift your partner would appreciate.
- Synchronize your schedules and make time to give your undivided attention to your mate. Allow your mate to choose how that time will be spent; perhaps it will be a conversation or maybe an intimate encounter.
Committing random acts of loving-kindness is important because when you give in a sincere and selfless manner, you are increasing the balance in your partner’s emotional bank account. In most cases, it will help to inspire your partner to return the favor.
Increase the Likelihood of Positive Change by Expressing Appreciation
This may seem like an obvious point, nevertheless it’s a point that is worthy of elaboration. Consider Kevin who is frequently annoyed because his wife, Jill fails to put away items after using them. After returning home one evening he noticed that Jill had cleaned up and neatly organized her home office. He could choose to say nothing about it, thinking that this is how she should always keep the room. However if he genuinely expresses admiration and appreciation for her efforts, she will be more inclined to repeat the behavior.
Reminding yourself of and appreciating your mate’s positive attributes will help you to exercise patience in moments of frustration. It also helps you to keep the right perspective so that you will pick your battles rather than allowing yourself to be annoyed by minor issues.
You have the power to increase the likelihood of positive change in your relationship by being intentional. Use the strategies of visualization, expressing appreciation and giving your love to your mate. Try these suggestions without telling your mate what you are doing and why. Watch and see what happens, then come back and leave a comment below about how things are going.
by Grace Sidberry |
Do you Have What it Takes to Be a True Power Couple?
In the age of Social Media we are bombarded with images of gorgeous celebrity couples that appear to be so happy and in love. These couples are also portrayed as ambitious and successful in their careers. Of course we may discover later that the glossy images of romantic bliss were just a façade. You may wonder, is it truly possible for two people to work together well enough to become a Power Couple?
A true power couple works together harmoniously, balancing and complementing each other. They experience a feeling of energized focus, which promotes creativity and high levels of productivity. There are certain essential elements that contribute to a couple working well together.
Practice Teamwork
To be a true power couple you and your mate will need to work together as a team. Effective teamwork requires a shared vision, a plan for your future. Both of you will need to buy into the vision and actively work together to make it happen. The team spirit comes from the belief that you are stronger together and you value and respect each other’s perspective.
Nurture Mind, Body and Spirit
To achieve this level of optimal functioning it is essential to nurture your mind, body and spirit. An innovative and inspired mind promotes creativity and productivity. You can achieve that mindset by reading, listening to and learning from individuals who stimulate your thinking, provide insights and motivate you to move towards your goals.
It is no surprise that a healthy body is critical to your success. Make personal choices to take good care of your body and your health. Eat healthy, well-balanced meals and minimize your intake of alcohol. Absolutely avoid any other substance of abuse. Engage in physical exercise and get adequate rest.
Regardless of whether or not you have a religious orientation, striving to achieve your vision and your goals requires you to exercise faith. Having faith is necessary to persevere, especially when the journey becomes difficult. Have a conversation with your partner about your spiritual values and beliefs. Discuss and decide on the practices that you will put in place to nurture and strengthen your faith.
Develop Good Communication Skills
Good communication skills are essential for you to put your plan into action and to tweak your vision as necessary over time. Of course good communication is also critical for you to enjoy everyday life together. Learning how to work through disagreements and resolve conflict is an absolute necessity. In addition, learning how to forgive each other will help you to move past the inevitable rough spots you will encounter.
Manage Your Finances
The area of finances is challenging for many couples. A true power couple has clear financial goals and a sound strategy in place to achieve those goals. The exercise of managing finances requires communication in order to create a mutually agreed upon earning, savings and spending plan. You and your partner will need to revisit the plan periodically and make adjustments as needed.
Learn from your mistakes
Consider your mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow in your relationship. You are both human, you will make mistakes. Take responsibility when you make a mistake and make it your priority to work on improvements. Your relationship is a dynamic process; making corrections and adjustments is necessary to help your relationship to grow.
Cherish each other
This seems like an obvious point, but sadly it’s one that many couples overlook. Too often couples get caught up with the demands of a hectic life and they take each other for granted. You may have heard the phrase, “I love my partner but I’m not in love anymore.” Love doesn’t just suddenly disappear, nor will it magically return, it must be nurtured. Make it your business to do warm and thoughtful things that make your partner feel loved.
The process of becoming a true Power Couple takes time and effort. Give priority to your relationship, work hard at it and commit to finding a way to make it through the difficult times.
Want more insights on becoming a true Power Couple? Check out our Ecourse Thirty Days to Better Love.
