by Grace Sidberry |
Here in the United States this past week has been a painful reminder of how tensions, conflict, hurt feelings, faulty assumptions and a lack of compassion can lead to disastrous results. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families who have been impacted by the terrible acts of violence.
Sadly our personal relationships are not immune from the kind of tension and discord that we see occurring in our communities. Even individuals in committed relationships who have declared undying love for each other can experience such major disagreement and conflict that it leaves them feeling as if they are sleeping with the enemy. Sometimes the scars run so deep that it interferes with the couple developing a lasting bond of intimacy and security.
A lasting, healthy love relationship requires commitment
A sheer belief in the sacredness of the commitment you have made is fundamental in helping you maintain your determination to keep trying even when you feel like giving up. Your commitment is not just to your partner; it is to an ideal, or a goal towards which you need to keep striving. Think of it as a process, your commitment is an ongoing choice that requires your intentional decision to continue to work to improve your relationship even in the tough times.
Focus on the why you are doing what you’re doing rather than on how difficult it seems. Instead of dwelling on your partner’s shortcomings, focus on the only thing that you are able to control – yourself. To guide your actions, ask yourself, “Are my words and actions in alignment with my commitment or are they in response to my feelings?” To ensure that your words and actions are in alignment with your commitment pause, step away from the situation and work out any negative feelings by engaging in physical activity such as going for a walk or a run or by taking a few moments to focus on breathing. After you are calm, refocus on the why and allow your commitment to the relationship to guide your choice of words and actions.
Taking the time to pause and to step away from the situation is beneficial in many ways. Not only does it provide you an opportunity to calm your emotions, but it also provides you with space to clear your mind so that you can think rationally and reconnect with the ideal and the hope of living, loving and working together in harmony.
Unavoidable hurts
Know that both you and your partner are incapable of loving without causing each other disappointment, anger or hurt. This is so because both of you are human and therefore imperfect. While being in an exclusive love relationship allows you the comfort of being with someone you trust and love, it also places you in a vulnerable position where your beloved has access to the most sensitive aspects of who you are. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes unwittingly you or your partner will say and or do something that cuts to the core. The instinctual response is either to hit back in retaliation or to pull away in an effort to shield self from further hurt.
Choosing to forgive when you have been hurt is difficult but necessary if you want your relationship to be healthy. When you forgive, you demonstrate goodwill, not necessarily because your partner deserves it, but because it is the only viable way of nurturing a strong cooperative partnership.
Managing inevitable disagreements in your relationship is possible. Accept your mate’s mere humanity and get rid of the belief that if he or she truly loves you, he or she wouldn’t hurt you. Communicate with your partner by sharing your concerns and be open to listen to their perspective. Your relationship will be healthier as you work through these uncomfortable issues thus reducing the likelihood of lingering resentment and misunderstanding.
by Grace Sidberry |
I’m writing this article as my family is driving through West Texas on the way to California for vacation. As we pass mile after mile of wide-open spaces interspersed with cornfields and grazing cattle, the deadlines and hectic pace of everyday life are far behind. The thought occurs to me that taking a break is essential and beneficial for all areas of life.
Your love relationship can suffer when you and or your partner become bogged down with the multiple demands of family responsibilities, pleasing your boss, stretching your money and just dealing with the challenges of life in a stress filled world.
Begin your day with purpose
It’s easy to fall into a mindless routine of getting up, rushing through the morning activities – breakfast, get ready for work or school, rush out the door and into traffic, then make it into work just in the nick of time. Then it’s time to jump into the schedule of meetings, tasks and to-do lists, and so it goes until it’s the end of the day and you leave work only to rush to complete after work activities, you get the idea.
Not only does this kind of pace wreak havoc on you it also takes its toll on your relationships. Do yourself, your love relationship and your family life a favor and begin your day with purpose.
Set aside about 10 minutes soon after you wake up, choose some place that is quiet and take a few moments just to breathe and relax. These few precious minutes will be your place for gaining your inspiration for the day and framing your mind to step into your day with intention and mental energy. Read or listen to inspirational material, meditate and pray. The sense of purpose and mental energy you gain will help keep you afloat when you are confronted with the multitude of little annoyances throughout the day.
Keep the Sabbath
Regardless of your religious beliefs, it is wise to heed the words of the fourth commandment to keep the Sabbath. The idea is to set aide one day during the week for rest, appreciating your blessings and rejuvenating your mind. Without this important mental, physical and spiritual break, you can become bogged down in your thinking, as well as physically exhausted. You will find that you’ve lost your creative edge, your ability to be innovative. In your relationships you may find that you are irritable, this can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication.
Clarify then align yourselves with your goals
Whenever you drive to a new destination, more than likely you plot your route and check your progress by relying on your GPS or an old-school map. Your love relationship is an unfolding journey that works best when you and your partner share joint goals and make an effort to work together in order to accomplish those goals. Just as you would when you’re on a road trip, you and your partner need to agree on your destination, which translates into your mutual goals, and make sure that you are working together effectively.
Without a clear vision, you can easily become distracted and disillusioned by day-to-day challenges that lead you to wonder if your relationship was really meant to be. To make sure this doesn’t happen to your love relationship set-aside time to discuss the goals you want to accomplish as a couple. Write them down. Decide on the steps that you will need to take to accomplish those goals, agree on a timeline. It is great to dream big, but it’s also important to set goals that are realistic. It helps to divide your long-term goals into measurable sub-goals so that you gain a sense of accomplishment as you move gradually towards your ultimate dreams. Every three months take time to check in with each other to see how you are progressing. This gives you a chance to make adjustments as life unfolds.
How does the wear and tear of your daily life affect your relationship? What changes will you make to bring greater purpose and energy to your life and your love relationship? Have you and your partner discussed your goals and are you working together to accomplish them? Here’s your opportunity to make some changes. Leave a comment below and tell me one thing that you are going to do differently to recharge yourself and your love relationship.
by Grace Sidberry
“I love my spouse, but I’m no longer in love anymore”? These are chilling words that often precede a downward spiral of emotional disconnection, separation and divorce. Alongside are the emotional consequences of disillusionment, anger, heartbreak and broken lives. (more…)
