Why Your Efforts To Change Habits Fizzle And How You Can Fix That

If you are like most couples the motivation to work on your relationship is born out of a problem such as a major argument or a crisis that threatens the relationship. Your partner’s displeasure or worse the fear of losing your relationship catapults you to take action. And the results are great, at least initially. You and your partner experience a tighter bond, you may feel more appreciated, each of you may be making a greater effort to be considerate and loving towards each other. But then, it doesn’t last. The changes that you both made tend to be short lived as the memory of the problem or crisis that sparked the need for change fades into the background. Does any of this sound familiar? Well read on to find out how you can change that pattern.

Why is it so hard to change habits?

Partners tend to have various explanations for why their mate falls back into old patterns of behavior. “He doesn’t love me enough to change”, or “She only began doing what I asked because she wanted to shut me up.” Such thoughts can lead to frustration and growing resentment. Most importantly they are not necessarily true.

The major reason that you or your spouse may find yourself failing in your attempt to change habits is due to the lasting nature of those old habits. In the midst of a relationship crisis, your motivation to fix the problem increases. But after the painful glare of the crisis has faded, your motivation to change also fades because you are beginning to feel comfortable again. Before you know it, you’ve slipped back into the well-worn patterns of your old behaviors.

Changing for the better

Think about why it’s important to change the behavior that has caused the problem. Perhaps you want to avoid arguments, or you enjoy when there is peace and harmony in your home, or you want to please your partner. Maybe your motivation is to avoid the feeling that your relationship is precariously tilting over the edge of a cliff. Whatever your reason, this is the image that you will need to keep in mind, this is your Why.

The next step in your effort to change your behavior is to get your mindset on track with your Why. Let’s say that your spouse would like you to help out more with responsibilities such as doing the laundry. Maybe you have a mindset block because you believe that you have enough other responsibilities already, plus you hate doing the laundry. With your Why in mind, i.e. you enjoy peace and harmony; try to be creative in figuring out how to make the laundry experience less onerous. With your favorite band pulsing in your earbuds you are less likely to feel irritated as you sort, wash, dry and fold.

The Secret to Sticking with it

Here’s the most important part of making changes and sticking with it, you need to make it a habit. The simplest way to do this is to establish a routine. Let’s take the laundry. Choose a specific day when you know that more often than not you’ll be at home. Next you need a reminder that the laundry needs to be done. This may be as simple as setting an alarm on your phone, on your day off from work, Saturday at 10:00 a.m. Or you may prefer to do the laundry the evening before your day off so that you can get it out of the way. So your reminder would be after you’ve kicked off your work shoes on a Friday, it’s time to do the laundry. Jump in, get it done, be creative and have some fun.

Next give yourself a reward: play a video game; enjoy a tall glass of your favorite beverage, you get the idea. This will seal the deal and will help motivate you to do the laundry routine again and again. The more consistent you are with following your routine, the easier it will be to keep up with the behavior. You will also feel a sense of accomplishment and your mate will be happy.

So a quick recap on the important elements to help you make changes and stick to those changes:

Focus on your Why
Get your attitude in shape, clear your mind of any mindset blocks
Choose a specific day and time to serve as a signal that it’s time to get the job done
Use your creativity to make the task pleasant
Treat yourself to something you enjoy
Reap the benefits of a feeling of accomplishment and a happy mate!

Leave a comment below; fell free to share your thoughts and experiences in creating new habits in your relationship.

Locker Room Talk: In Favor Of Respect And Good Manners

by Grace Sidberry

Locker Room Talk: In Favor Of Respect And Good Manners

Locker Room Talk

In this wild and chaotic presidential campaign season, we have all been stunned by the news stories revealing crude conversations that have been referred to as “locker room talk.” For those of us women who have never been in a male locker room, we are left to wonder if what we heard really represents what men discuss in private. No doubt, this is the kind of comment that a man might say to prove that he has a magnetic charm with women. However most women find these comments highly offensive and degrading.

Why all the uproar about locker room talk? The answer is that this kind of banter reflects a pattern of thinking. This pattern of thinking reflects an attitude that shapes how the man treats the significant woman in his life. The intricate dance of a successful intimate relationship between man and woman relies on certain well-established principles. These include mutual respect, trustworthiness, kindness and consideration, just to name a few. When these principles are ignored, problems result. When couples make an effort to guide their relationship by these principles, they have a better chance for a happy relationship.

The Family’s Role

These principles are best learned and practiced at a young age. Parents are in a perfect position to serve as role models for their children. The incubator of family life is the original ideal atmosphere for shaping young minds to understand what it is to be respected and respectable. Parents and other significant adults have a great responsibility and opportunity to teach children how to treat family members and friends with respect and good manners.

Society’s Role

On a larger scale as a society we all bear the responsibility of raising the standard of what is considered decent and suitable behavior. We have become too accepting of the steady diet of vulgarity in our social interactions, both personally and from all forms of media. This has created the consequence of numbed sensibilities that affect the psyche of men and women alike. Of great concern is the negative impact on a woman’s sense of worth. Ask any woman who has suffered emotional, verbal or sexual abuse or harassment. Along with a loss of self-worth come shame and a fear of retaliation if she speaks out. The belief that “this is the way things are,” allows for an unspoken acceptance of the behaviors and the attitudes.

Men who demean or disrespect women are not immune from negative consequences. They suffer from a distortion in their inflated perception of self and the charm they believe that they are displaying to women. In addition, the attitude of disrespect and disdain can interfere with the development of trust and intimacy in their personal relationship with a partner.

It isn’t too late to change the conversation. By making a conscious effort to practice civility, we can shift away from the hurt and misunderstanding that helps to tarnish our most significant relationships.

This is an opportune time to change locker room conversations. Let’s reclaim civility!

Find out how to strengthen Your Love Relationship, Click here to Join our 30 Day Challenge!

Are you creating an amazing Love Story?

by Grace Sidberry | 5 comments

Are you creating an amazing Love Story?

What’s your love story? No I’m not talking about the story of how you met your mate, I’m talking about the story you are creating together, now. You see your love story is unfolding and if you are like most people, it is unfolding in a haphazard manner. Most likely you are rolling along with the ebbs and flows of life without realizing that you have an opportunity to craft your love story in a powerful way.

You may have read a recent news article about an elderly Canadian couple, Wolfram and Anita Gottschalk, who after 62 years of marriage were placed in different nursing homes. The social media world was heartbroken at viewing the tearful goodbyes as Mr. Gottschalk was forced to leave his wife due to a lack of space in the facility where his wife lived. Thankfully after 8 months of separation the Gottschalks were reunited and are living together again.

The love that this couple developed over the course of their six decades together is clearly evident; this is the kind of bond that most people desire but fail to achieve. You may wonder, “What is the trick for creating a beautiful love story?” First take a look at the story that you are creating now; without realizing it each day you are adding to your story. You want to determine whether your day-to-day choices and experiences are on track to lead you to the love story you deeply desire. Each decision and action contributes to your story.

Your current Love Story

Here are some questions to get you started: Does your current relationship reflect what you deeply want? If you are unhappy in your relationship, what is the narrative you tell yourself about why you are so unhappy? Think about other areas of your life that impact your love relationship such as your faith, health, career, and family finances. Do you feel satisfied in each of these areas? If not what is the story why you are dissatisfied? If things continue as they are currently going, what is the likely outcome for your love and your life story?

Go ahead, take a moment and write down your answers to these questions. This exercise can be quite eye opening. You might not realize it but the story you’ve created about your love relationship and the other important areas of your life significantly impacts how your life together grows. Your thoughts, beliefs and expectations come directly from the story you tell yourself and they shape your daily choices. Too often those thoughts, beliefs and expectations hinder you from achieving what you dearly want in love and life.

You might be thinking that your partner, over whom you have no control, plays a key role in your love story. This is true, but rather than shifting the blame to your partner for an unhappy story, recognize the incredible power that you have to choose how you respond to your spouse. If you take steps to change the story you tell yourself about your love relationship, it will influence how you interact with your partner. It will also positively influence how you experience life together.

The Love Story you desire

Imagine your love story, as you would like it to be in the future. In five, fifteen or fifty years what do you want your love relationship to look like? What legacy would you like to create for your children? By becoming aware of your current story, then deliberately taking steps to rewrite it, you can actually shift from the prospect of an unfulfilling love story to one that is deeply rewarding.

Click here for an in depth guide to help you create your Amazing Love Story!

How to Handle Conflict in Your Love Relationship

by Grace Sidberry | 5 comments

Here in the United States this past week has been a painful reminder of how tensions, conflict, hurt feelings, faulty assumptions and a lack of compassion can lead to disastrous results. My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the families who have been impacted by the terrible acts of violence.

Sadly our personal relationships are not immune from the kind of tension and discord that we see occurring in our communities. Even individuals in committed relationships who have declared undying love for each other can experience such major disagreement and conflict that it leaves them feeling as if they are sleeping with the enemy. Sometimes the scars run so deep that it interferes with the couple developing a lasting bond of intimacy and security.

A lasting, healthy love relationship requires commitment

A sheer belief in the sacredness of the commitment you have made is fundamental in helping you maintain your determination to keep trying even when you feel like giving up. Your commitment is not just to your partner; it is to an ideal, or a goal towards which you need to keep striving. Think of it as a process, your commitment is an ongoing choice that requires your intentional decision to continue to work to improve your relationship even in the tough times.

Focus on the why you are doing what you’re doing rather than on how difficult it seems. Instead of dwelling on your partner’s shortcomings, focus on the only thing that you are able to control – yourself. To guide your actions, ask yourself, “Are my words and actions in alignment with my commitment or are they in response to my feelings?” To ensure that your words and actions are in alignment with your commitment pause, step away from the situation and work out any negative feelings by engaging in physical activity such as going for a walk or a run or by taking a few moments to focus on breathing. After you are calm, refocus on the why and allow your commitment to the relationship to guide your choice of words and actions.

Taking the time to pause and to step away from the situation is beneficial in many ways. Not only does it provide you an opportunity to calm your emotions, but it also provides you with space to clear your mind so that you can think rationally and reconnect with the ideal and the hope of living, loving and working together in harmony.

Unavoidable hurts

Know that both you and your partner are incapable of loving without causing each other disappointment, anger or hurt. This is so because both of you are human and therefore imperfect. While being in an exclusive love relationship allows you the comfort of being with someone you trust and love, it also places you in a vulnerable position where your beloved has access to the most sensitive aspects of who you are. Sometimes deliberately, sometimes unwittingly you or your partner will say and or do something that cuts to the core. The instinctual response is either to hit back in retaliation or to pull away in an effort to shield self from further hurt.

Choosing to forgive when you have been hurt is difficult but necessary if you want your relationship to be healthy. When you forgive, you demonstrate goodwill, not necessarily because your partner deserves it, but because it is the only viable way of nurturing a strong cooperative partnership.

Managing inevitable disagreements in your relationship is possible. Accept your mate’s mere humanity and get rid of the belief that if he or she truly loves you, he or she wouldn’t hurt you. Communicate with your partner by sharing your concerns and be open to listen to their perspective. Your relationship will be healthier as you work through these uncomfortable issues thus reducing the likelihood of lingering resentment and misunderstanding.

Take a Break! It’s Good for Your Love Relationship

by Grace Sidberry | 6 comments

I’m writing this article as my family is driving through West Texas on the way to California for vacation. As we pass mile after mile of wide-open spaces interspersed with cornfields and grazing cattle, the deadlines and hectic pace of everyday life are far behind. The thought occurs to me that taking a break is essential and beneficial for all areas of life.

Your love relationship can suffer when you and or your partner become bogged down with the multiple demands of family responsibilities, pleasing your boss, stretching your money and just dealing with the challenges of life in a stress filled world.

Begin your day with purpose

It’s easy to fall into a mindless routine of getting up, rushing through the morning activities – breakfast, get ready for work or school, rush out the door and into traffic, then make it into work just in the nick of time. Then it’s time to jump into the schedule of meetings, tasks and to-do lists, and so it goes until it’s the end of the day and you leave work only to rush to complete after work activities, you get the idea.

Not only does this kind of pace wreak havoc on you it also takes its toll on your relationships. Do yourself, your love relationship and your family life a favor and begin your day with purpose.

Set aside about 10 minutes soon after you wake up, choose some place that is quiet and take a few moments just to breathe and relax. These few precious minutes will be your place for gaining your inspiration for the day and framing your mind to step into your day with intention and mental energy. Read or listen to inspirational material, meditate and pray. The sense of purpose and mental energy you gain will help keep you afloat when you are confronted with the multitude of little annoyances throughout the day.

Keep the Sabbath

Regardless of your religious beliefs, it is wise to heed the words of the fourth commandment to keep the Sabbath. The idea is to set aide one day during the week for rest, appreciating your blessings and rejuvenating your mind. Without this important mental, physical and spiritual break, you can become bogged down in your thinking, as well as physically exhausted. You will find that you’ve lost your creative edge, your ability to be innovative. In your relationships you may find that you are irritable, this can lead to misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Clarify then align yourselves with your goals

Whenever you drive to a new destination, more than likely you plot your route and check your progress by relying on your GPS or an old-school map. Your love relationship is an unfolding journey that works best when you and your partner share joint goals and make an effort to work together in order to accomplish those goals. Just as you would when you’re on a road trip, you and your partner need to agree on your destination, which translates into your mutual goals, and make sure that you are working together effectively.

Without a clear vision, you can easily become distracted and disillusioned by day-to-day challenges that lead you to wonder if your relationship was really meant to be. To make sure this doesn’t happen to your love relationship set-aside time to discuss the goals you want to accomplish as a couple. Write them down. Decide on the steps that you will need to take to accomplish those goals, agree on a timeline. It is great to dream big, but it’s also important to set goals that are realistic. It helps to divide your long-term goals into measurable sub-goals so that you gain a sense of accomplishment as you move gradually towards your ultimate dreams. Every three months take time to check in with each other to see how you are progressing. This gives you a chance to make adjustments as life unfolds.

How does the wear and tear of your daily life affect your relationship? What changes will you make to bring greater purpose and energy to your life and your love relationship? Have you and your partner discussed your goals and are you working together to accomplish them? Here’s your opportunity to make some changes. Leave a comment below and tell me one thing that you are going to do differently to recharge yourself and your love relationship.

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