Communication Gone Wrong: When Partners Misunderstand Each Other

Communication Gone Wrong: When Partners Misunderstand Each Other

I’ve been married for 28 years and it never ceases to amaze me how easy it is to for my husband and I to misunderstand each other. There have been times when I’ve heard a particular tone in his voice that I thought sounded like criticism when he was really expressing concern. There have also been times when he interpreted my words as dismissing his input when I was only seeking clarification. This particular communication problem occurs more frequently when life is hectic and there is limited time to slow down and listen without distractions.

Why Couples Misunderstand Each Other

Couples misunderstand each other because each person looks at life through a unique set of lenses. Your view of the world is colored by your childhood experiences, your personality, your experiences from previous relationships, your preferences, your mood etc. The same is true for your partner. Communication would be easier if your partner saw the world the same way you did, but of course life and relationships are not that simple. Misunderstandings also occur because each partner tends to assume that the other person feels and thinks the same way they do about a given event or situation. You may be very annoyed about a remark your friend made, while your mate doesn’t think it’s a big deal. You may react to your mate’s “blah” response, with “You don’t really care that I’m upset!” Then before you know it you’re in a heated argument.

How To Stop The Downward Spiral Into Misunderstanding

Misunderstandings happen frequently in a relationship. It is more likely to happen if you or your partner are busy, stressed, distracted or in a negative mood. So what can you do to minimize this communication problem? First check yourself. Are you feeling stressed, distracted or busy? What’s your mood like? Are you irritable, upset or angry? If so it would be wise to take a breather. Press the pause button and make a choice not to accept the worse case scenario thought that is currently dominating your mind. Accept the fact that it is normal for your partner to have a different perspective. It’s helpful to realize that if your partner’s perspective differs from yours, it doesn’t automatically mean that you are not loved, supported or validated. Also, ask yourself, am I really listening to my partner? Or am I allowing stress or distracted thoughts to get in the way of my giving full attention to the conversation? My husband often reminds we have two ears and one mouth for the purpose of listening twice as much as we talk. Next step, observe your partner. Do you notice that he or she seems distracted or busy? If so perhaps it would be best to shelve the conversation until a later time. You may not know your partner’s inner thoughts and feelings, but you are likely to have some idea of their mood. Try to be sensitive to what you perceive as you share with and listen to your partner. Following these guidelines won’t prevent inevitable misunderstandings. However doing so can improve your communication and minimize the frequency of misunderstandings. Your love relationship is worth the effort. Have you found any other strategies that have helped you to deal with misunderstandings in your relationship? Please share in the comments below.

A Strong Boundary Can Prevent Cheating

by Grace Sidberry | 14 comments

A Strong Boundary Can Prevent Cheating

Most couples in a committed relationship want and expect loyalty and exclusivity from their partner. This creates a feeling of security. However many partners are terrified that their loved one will end up cheating. Is cheating inevitable? How can you establish a strong boundary to reduce the likelihood of cheating?

The dual benefit of a strong boundary

You can experience security if you establish a strong boundary in your relationship. A boundary is a barrier that works two ways. A strong boundary helps you and your partner remain focused on each other, rather than seeking attention from others. A strong boundary also prevents someone who might be a flirt from intruding into your relationship.

At one point or another, every couple in a committed relationship experiences difficulty. A strong boundary helps to ensure that you do not seek out the attention and affection of someone other than your partner during difficult times. Just because you are with the love of your life doesn’t mean that you won’t find other people attractive. This is normal. Difficult times in your relationship can tempt you to look elsewhere for comfort. When you recognize the elements that weaken the bond between you and your partner you will be more aware of what is essential to restore and strengthen that much needed feeling of security.

Problems that can lead to cheating

You may have heard couples saying that they have fallen out of love with each other. Typically this means that they are emotionally distant. They have lost that feeling of bliss they used to have when spending time together. They may not feel comfortable or safe sharing inner hopes, dreams, hurts or goals. If this is your story, perhaps the hectic demands of life have made it difficult for you to enjoy each other’s company as you did when you were dating. It is possible to make changes to reconnect and build emotional intimacy. Speak with your partner about your concerns. As you express your thoughts and feelings, make an effort to be open to hearing your partner’s perspective. Be careful to avoid criticizing or blaming. Your objective is to have a constructive conversation so that you can take intentional steps to improve your relationship and overcome any challenges.

Dissatisfaction with physical or sexual intimacy in your relationship can leave you or your partner open to being tempted to seek gratification elsewhere. You and your partner may be struggling to balance the demands of career, raising a family and coping with all of life’s pressures. You may feel exhausted, annoyed and stressed; you may find that the opportunities for physical intimacy are few and far between. Partners frequently have different perspectives about how important sex is when life is stressful. One person may view sex as very important to help relieve stress and bring closeness to the relationship. The other person may wonder how their mate can even consider being intimate when life is so stressful.

Solving this issue requires compromise from both partners; each will need to give in order to receive. The partner who is more motivated for sex would do well to find out how to help their mate to experience less stress. Perhaps it would help to take on a greater share of their mate’s responsibilities in the home and family. This is a gesture of kindness and consideration that will be well received. The partner who is feeling overwhelmed would do well to practice strategies for managing stress including exercising regularly, eating healthily and getting adequate sleep. Communicating with each other, planning your schedules together and setting aside time for fun and relaxation are all essential for creating an atmosphere for intimacy.

Protect your relationship from outside advances

In today’s society being married or in a serious relationship does not carry the same weight as it used to. Some potential suitors no longer view a wedding ring or commitment as an indication that the individual is off limits.

If you are in a committed relationship it is wise to be aware that a potential suitor will appeal to your area of weakness. This may come in the form of flattery; the person will stroke your ego. We all enjoy being noticed, appreciated and complemented, no problem here. However if you entertain that individual and you begin to look forward to seeing or hearing from them, there could be a problem brewing. To determine whether or not this is an appropriate friendship, ask yourself, “Would my partner feel comfortable with this friendship?” If the answer is “No”, it’s time to set limits.

Practice healthy boundaries with social media

A discussion about strong boundaries would not be complete without focusing on the intrusions that can come through social media. The norm seems to be for people to share a lot about personal thoughts and feelings with everyone. If you do, you may be inadvertently sending a signal making it easy for an external, interested party to maneuver into your life. Following these simple guidelines can make help prevent these kinds of intrusions:

Avoid sharing your thoughts and feelings at the moment when you are most upset. This is especially important when you are upset with your partner. When you share your relationship hurts on social media you are asking for sympathy and opening a potential door for someone to step in.

Limit what you share about your relationship. The original benefit of social media platforms was to share brief updates with family and friends. Keep it brief and simple. Wait until you are face to face with your friends or relatives to give more details about your life.

Think before you hit the “Post” or “Send” button. Reflect on the fact that you cannot undo what you have said once you post your comment or image. Even if you can delete your post later, chances are someone will view it first.

Use will power to prevent cheating

One of the best ways to create a strong boundary to protect your relationship is using old-fashioned will power. Just say “No!” You might respond, “But it’s not so easy to just say no.” There are ways to improve your will power. The key to strengthening will power lies in the area behind your forehead. That part of your brain is called the prefrontal cortex. When you strengthen this area of your brain, you also improve your will power. To strengthen your prefrontal cortex:

Get regular physical exercise. Aerobic exercise is beneficial for strengthening your body and your mind.

Practice mindfulness meditation. You may choose to concentrate on your breathing, paying attention to each breath as you inhale and exhale. The idea is to stay focused in the moment. When you find your mind wandering, release the thoughts and return the focus to your breathing. Practicing regularly for a few minutes at a time improves concentration and will power.

Praying regularly encourages you to rely on your faith for strength. It also helps to boost your self-control.

Your plan for a strong boundary

Now it’s time to create your strong boundary to protect your love relationship. The best place to start is with a conversation with your partner. Schedule a time to talk with each other when you are not likely to be interrupted. Your aim is to have a collaborative conversation; consequently you want to avoid criticizing or blaming each other. What steps will you take to keep your focus on each other? What steps will you take to keep unwanted advances away from your relationship?

Click here to download a guide to help you and your partner create your strong boundary.

References

Friese, M. & Wänke, M. (2014). Personal Prayer buffers self-control depletion. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 51, 56–59.

McGonigal, K. (2012) The Willpower Instinct: How Self-Control Works, Why It Matters, and What You Can Do to Get More of It. New York, NY: Penguin Group.

Will Valentine’s Day Live Up To Your Expectations?

by Grace Sidberry

Will Valentine’s Day Live Up To Your Expectations?

February 14^th is the day celebrated as Valentine’s Day in many countries throughout the world. More often than not women expect more from Valentine’s Day than men do. It’s a day many women long for in great and hopeful anticipation of the shower of attention, love and gifts that they will receive from that special person in their life. Of course many ladies will be thrilled at what the day will bring while others may be dismayed and disappointed, wondering if their mate really cares.

Valentine’s Day: Expectations vs. Reality

It is hard not to buy into the hype created by marketers ever since the end of the Christmas and holiday shopping season. It’s hard to suppress over eager emotions and instead listen to your rational mind as it tells you that one day in the year should not be an indicator of how much your mate loves you. In order to guarantee that they won’t be disappointed, some ladies provide their partner with hints, even instructions on what they expect on the special day. Despite all of this, what if your expectations don’t match reality? What does this tell you about the relationship?

The short answer is not much. The more profound question of whether your relationship is sound requires deeper exploration. Be careful not to let your disappointment catapult you to the worst-case scenario. When you have lingering fears and doubts in the back of your mind, those fears will surge forwards at the slightest provocation and will influence how you view and interpret your world. So some questions to ask yourself when you are disappointed are: “Did I have a sneaking suspicion or fear that Valentine’s Day would be a flop?” “Am I overreacting?”

Another factor that impacts the conclusion you have drawn is that you and your partner view the world through very different lenses. Your lenses are colored by your life experiences, your beliefs and your personality. You may see the glass as half empty and he may see glass as half full. The best way to fully understand each other’s perspective is to communicate with an emphasis on listening to each other with an open mind.

When there’s trouble in paradise

From another angle the painful truth is that sometimes we are faced with difficult relationships. If you find that there’s a growing sense of uneasiness in your gut as you examine your relationship, it may be an indication of more serious issues. Here’s an opportunity to do something about it. Work on improving your communication, learn to effectively handle conflict and learn to forgive.

Think of your love relationship as being a story you are writing together. You have the opportunity to learn and grow together as you co-create the story. Like any good novel there are twists and turns in the plot some of which may be nerve wracking. The final outcome heavily dependent on the decisions and actions each of you makes. Take time to think about the story you wish to create. Then take the necessary steps to make it happen.

Click here for an in depth article on how you can Create and Amazing Love Story.

Do you Have What it Takes to Be a True Power Couple?

by Grace Sidberry | 4 comments

Do you Have What it Takes to Be a True Power Couple?

In the age of Social Media we are bombarded with images of gorgeous celebrity couples that appear to be so happy and in love. These couples are also portrayed as ambitious and successful in their careers. Of course we may discover later that the glossy images of romantic bliss were just a façade. You may wonder, is it truly possible for two people to work together well enough to become a Power Couple?

A true power couple works together harmoniously, balancing and complementing each other. They experience a feeling of energized focus, which promotes creativity and high levels of productivity. There are certain essential elements that contribute to a couple working well together.

Practice Teamwork

To be a true power couple you and your mate will need to work together as a team. Effective teamwork requires a shared vision, a plan for your future. Both of you will need to buy into the vision and actively work together to make it happen. The team spirit comes from the belief that you are stronger together and you value and respect each other’s perspective.

Nurture Mind, Body and Spirit

To achieve this level of optimal functioning it is essential to nurture your mind, body and spirit. An innovative and inspired mind promotes creativity and productivity. You can achieve that mindset by reading, listening to and learning from individuals who stimulate your thinking, provide insights and motivate you to move towards your goals.

It is no surprise that a healthy body is critical to your success. Make personal choices to take good care of your body and your health. Eat healthy, well-balanced meals and minimize your intake of alcohol. Absolutely avoid any other substance of abuse. Engage in physical exercise and get adequate rest.

Regardless of whether or not you have a religious orientation, striving to achieve your vision and your goals requires you to exercise faith. Having faith is necessary to persevere, especially when the journey becomes difficult. Have a conversation with your partner about your spiritual values and beliefs. Discuss and decide on the practices that you will put in place to nurture and strengthen your faith.

Develop Good Communication Skills

Good communication skills are essential for you to put your plan into action and to tweak your vision as necessary over time. Of course good communication is also critical for you to enjoy everyday life together. Learning how to work through disagreements and resolve conflict is an absolute necessity. In addition, learning how to forgive each other will help you to move past the inevitable rough spots you will encounter.

Manage Your Finances

The area of finances is challenging for many couples. A true power couple has clear financial goals and a sound strategy in place to achieve those goals. The exercise of managing finances requires communication in order to create a mutually agreed upon earning, savings and spending plan. You and your partner will need to revisit the plan periodically and make adjustments as needed.

Learn from your mistakes

Consider your mistakes as an opportunity to learn and grow in your relationship. You are both human, you will make mistakes. Take responsibility when you make a mistake and make it your priority to work on improvements. Your relationship is a dynamic process; making corrections and adjustments is necessary to help your relationship to grow.

Cherish each other

This seems like an obvious point, but sadly it’s one that many couples overlook. Too often couples get caught up with the demands of a hectic life and they take each other for granted. You may have heard the phrase, “I love my partner but I’m not in love anymore.” Love doesn’t just suddenly disappear, nor will it magically return, it must be nurtured. Make it your business to do warm and thoughtful things that make your partner feel loved.

The process of becoming a true Power Couple takes time and effort. Give priority to your relationship, work hard at it and commit to finding a way to make it through the difficult times.

Want more insights on becoming a true Power Couple? Check out our Ecourse Thirty Days to Better Love.

Overcoming Procrastination: You have the best intentions but …

by Grace Sidberry | 2 comments

Overcoming Procrastination: You have the best intentions but …

How many times have you promised your spouse that you will get some task done and you really mean to, but you never quite get to it? This is the cause of numerous arguments for couples. When your spouse says, “Let’s clean out the garage next weekend”. You agree that would be great because you’re thinking of how wonderful it will be to have an organized garage. It will make it easier for you to find tools when you need them and maybe you’ll even be able to get the car in there. However come Saturday morning, what sounded like a great idea on Wednesday now feels like a miserable way to spend a Saturday. A day of shopping or hanging around watching TV sounds much better. Overcoming procrastination can be tough.

Most of us procrastinate. No matter how well intentioned we may be, we procrastinate because we value an immediate reward more than a far off reward. We are also skilled in using rationalizations to justify why we deserve to take a break to enjoy the present moment rather than doing a task that isn’t so appealing. Here are some steps to help you with overcoming procrastination.

Break down the task into small, doable segments

If you are thinking of clearing out your garage, you may feel immediately overwhelmed when you survey the accumulation of stuff that has grown over years. Catching sight of this is guaranteed to make you want to close the door and postpone the job for another day. It will be easier to focus on one corner of the garage. Clean up one area and you can use this as your headquarters for tackling each remaining area of the garage.

Pair an unpleasant task with a pleasant one

When faced with an unpleasant project that you would rather avoid, the time will go by faster if you pair it with something that is fun. You may turn on your favorite music or listen to an intriguing audiobook. When you’ve completed the task you may also find that it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be.

Put your money on the line to strengthen your commitment

Here is a concept from the world of Behavioral Economics that will really motivate you to get things done. Ask a friend or relative to hold you accountable. Give them a check of a large enough amount that you wouldn’t want to lose. Their task is to cash the check and use it for anything they wish if you fail to get the promised task completed. Of course if you complete the task as planned, the check is returned to you.

There you have it, simple doable strategies to move you past the all too familiar thought of of, “I’ll just get to it later.”

Leave a comment and let me know how this works for you.

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Source:

Ayres, Ian (2010) Carrots and Sticks: Unlock the Power of Incentives to Get Things Done.

Clear, James “Procrastination: A Scientific Guide on How to Stop Procrastination”.

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