Cultivate Gratitude: Your Experiences in Life and Love Will Thrive

Put yourself in the driver’s seat and express gratitude. When you do, you will positively influence your emotions and your love relationship.

Cultivate Gratitude and Change Yourself

In a 24-7 social media environment you can’t help but compare your life to people you are following. You might feel that you don’t measure up. It may be that you are unhappy with your looks – you think you aren’t attractive enough. Perhaps it’s the lifestyle that you crave and you wish that you could travel, have the nice car or house like the person you are following on social media. You may feel that you’re not where you thought you would or should be at this particular point in your life. These kinds of thoughts lead to feelings of disappointment, stress and depression.

If you want to positively influence your mood and how your life unfolds, cultivate gratitude. New York Times best selling author Janice Kaplan spent a year living gratefully. She documented how it changed her life and relationships for the better in her book, “The Gratitude Diaries”. There are simple ways to cultivate gratitude in your life.

Try this exercise. Each morning identify at least one thing that you’re grateful for. It need not be complicated, maybe you’re grateful for being able to get up, or maybe you are grateful for your job, even if it’s not the perfect job. Perhaps you are grateful for your family.

Identify the focus of your gratitude and write it down on a Gratitude List. You may prefer to keep a Gratitude Journal or you may want to make a note in the Memo section of your phone. Keep your list where you can review it periodically. When you do, you’ll re-experience the positive feeling that comes when you focus on the things you appreciate.

Cultivate Gratitude and Benefit Your Love Relationship

Experiencing and expressing gratitude also benefits your relationship. It’s important to express your gratitude to your partner. If you are like most people, you tend to focus on the things your partner says or does that annoy or upset you. You may find yourself focusing more on how your partner has failed to live up to your expectations, while you downplay the “little things” your partner does that you do appreciate.

Perhaps you rationalize that those “little things” are basic expectations in your relationship and you shouldn’t have to acknowledge them. However if your partner stopped doing the “little things” that you have come to expect and that you take for granted, you would definitely miss them. Instead make an effort to genuinely express your gratitude to your partner for some of the simple things that he or she does that make your life better. These include preparing a meal, doing laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of the bills, accompanying you to a family event, sharing in childcare responsibilities. You can express appreciation for the time and effort taken to do these things.

Experiencing and expressing gratitude benefits your relationship in two ways. Firstly, when you take time to look for and express appreciation for the things your partner does, it helps to create a positive shift in how you look at your partner and how you feel towards your partner. Secondly when you express gratitude to your partner, it changes how your mate responds to you. Your partner will feel emotionally closer to you. Your loved one will also be more inclined to continue making an effort to impress and please you.

Here is an experiment that will benefit your love relationship. It’s a gratitude letter that you will write secretly over the course of a week and give to your partner at the end of the week.

Each day for one week, tell your partner one thing that you genuinely appreciate.
Privately write down your expressed words in a letter, sharing details about why you appreciate that item.
At the end of the week give the letter to your partner. Watch and see what happens, see how you feel and how it impacts your relationship.

It would be great to hear your story, feel free to come back and share in the comments below.

Connecting Rituals Benefit Your Love Relationship

by Grace Sidberry | 4 comments

Every day you participate in routine activities that are rituals for getting you through the day. Quite likely you start off your morning with rituals for getting ready such as showering, dressing and eating breakfast. In your love relationship, you also practice specific rituals. Certain connecting rituals are good for the relationship, they help you work together well as a team.

What are Connecting Rituals?

Think about the roles you each play in your partnership, some rituals help bring you closer together as a couple, these are connecting rituals. Most love relationships start off with the couple effortlessly practicing certain connecting rituals such as calling or texting each other at the beginning of the day with morning greetings and wishes for a wonderful day. Throughout the day there may be phone calls or texts and in the evening couples look forward to hearing from or seeing each other.

Many of those connecting rituals disappear unfortunately as relationships progress and as life gets more demanding. Along with the loss of those rituals is the potential for erosion of the positive bond that the connecting rituals provide. Instead of connecting rituals, couples may engage in rituals that create distance. Distancing rituals can seem deceptively harmless, and could be as simple as checking FaceBook, Instagram or email during a conversation with your partner.

Connecting Ritual: Greetings and Partings

A great way to create connecting rituals in your relationship is to start off with the basics. There are four ideal times in your day to intentionally connect with each other.

Connect first thing in the morning. When you greet your mate with a “Good Morning”, you are sending a message of acknowledgement; you are also first in line to positively influence the tone of their day.
Connect before you leave each other for work. Before you or your mate leave for the day, share a hug, a kiss and well wishes. You are sharing a gift of warmth and a feeling of being cared for.
Connect after returning home from work. When you and your mate return home at the end of the day, the partner who is already at home should make the effort to meet and greet the other partner who is coming through the door. A pleasant welcome home does wonders to reinforce the feeling that home is a sanctuary for relaxation and rejuvenation.
Connect at bedtime. At bedtime, it’s important to close out the day with an affirming gesture such as a hug, a kiss and your hopes for a restful night. You and your mate will enjoy better sleep if your last interaction for the night is positive rather than negative.

Connecting Ritual: Sharing Wins

During their time at home, many couples discuss things that happen at work, parenting concerns and issues and problems that need to be resolved. Of course these are important topics but at times these conversations can become strained creating tension and an impulse to avoid further conversation.

Shift the tone of your time together by including the connecting ritual of sharing wins. Here’s how you do it. During your day when you are away from each other, be on the lookout for anything that you can consider a win and save it to share with your partner in the evening. It may be a complement from a co-worker, your supervisor or a client. It may be the successful completion of a project or a new idea that you would like to implement. As you and your partner get into the habit of sharing your wins, you will begin to eagerly look forward to that special time of sharing.

Over time as you practice connecting rituals, they become habits that are easier for you to maintain without too much effort. You may wonder, if you are engaging in an activity simply because it’s a ritual is it a true expression of your caring and of your desire to connect? The answer is that if you are open to the experience, and you are genuinely being mindful as you greet, embrace and share with your partner, the positive emotions will follow.

Practicing connecting rituals will not instantaneously change your relationship; instead you will gradually begin to notice subtle positive changes such as a decrease in tension, a feeling of looking forward to the connecting times. You will know that these rituals are beneficial when you begin doing them. Practicing connecting rituals contributes towards a positive atmosphere that you will notice if you break away from the ritual. Give it a try.

Do you have your own connecting rituals? Share them in the comment section below.

Three Tips to Inspire Positive Change in Your Mate

by Grace Sidberry

Three Tips to Inspire Positive Change in Your Mate

Too many promising love relationships end in ruins. Many couples in committed, viable relationships give up because of feelings of frustration and hopelessness that their relationship can be improved. They fail to realize that they have the power to influence positive change in their relationship.

Relationships are complicated, but generally speaking a viable relationship is one where partners share a desire for unity. A sense of respect and consideration and an absence of abuse also contribute to relationship viability. If you are unsure about whether yours is a viable relationship, it would be a helpful to consult with a licensed professional to get an objective perspective of your situation.

If you and your mate do not have the most positive relationship, there are things that you can do to make it better. It is an undeniable fact that as much as you would like to, you cannot change your partner. The well-known maxim is that you can only change yourself. So this is where you will need to focus if you wish to influence a change in your mate.

Use The Power Of Visualization to Inspire Positive Change

Think of your love relationship as being a journey, you are heading towards a destination. What do you want most of all when you arrive at that destination? Think about the connection that you desire to have with your mate, what do you want it to look like? Think about your family life, what kind of family atmosphere are you wanting to create? This vision of what you desire needs to be clear in your mind.

Visualization works in two ways. First having a clear mental image helps to keep you motivated in those moments when you may find yourself considering giving up. A clear vision of your targeted destination as a couple helps to keep you on track when your mind becomes distracted by frustration or by thoughts that life would be easier if you were single. Sometimes when you are experiencing a challenging phase of your relationship, it is helpful to make sure that how you respond is aligned with your goal. Focus on taking one step at a time as you move towards your goal.

We can understand the secondary benefit of visualization by looking at the world of athletics. Elite athletes prepare themselves for their events by using the power of visualization. They use visualization to help them get mentally and emotionally ready. They do so not just by imagining winning the trophy at the end of the event. They use their imagination to anticipate each stage of the race, or challenging plays that they may encounter on the football field or on the basketball court. They also imagine how they will respond in each situation. Actively imagining yourself as you interact with your partner can help you to prepare effectively for a conversation or an interaction. You will find it beneficial to practice how you would respond if either you or your partner begins to get upset. Take a time out, go for a walk, take a few moments to simply breathe.

Influence Positive Change by Giving

It goes against our instinct to give and to do for someone when you are feeling that your needs are not being met. However this is a counter intuitive fact that goes a long way to encourage your mate to give in return. You may have heard of the concept of the emotional bank account. You and your mate each have an emotional bank account. Each of you has the power to make deposits and also to make withdrawals. As is the case with any bank account, when you maximize your deposits and minimize your withdrawals, you have a more stable account and you also feel more secure.

In order to inspire positive change, choose to make deposits in your partner’s emotional bank account. Commit random acts of loving-kindness. Here are some ideas:

Offer to do a chore that you know your partner would appreciate.
Make arrangements for a baby-sitter and take your mate on a date.
On the way home pick up a small gift your partner would appreciate.
Synchronize your schedules and make time to give your undivided attention to your mate. Allow your mate to choose how that time will be spent; perhaps it will be a conversation or maybe an intimate encounter.

Committing random acts of loving-kindness is important because when you give in a sincere and selfless manner, you are increasing the balance in your partner’s emotional bank account. In most cases, it will help to inspire your partner to return the favor.

Increase the Likelihood of Positive Change by Expressing Appreciation

This may seem like an obvious point, nevertheless it’s a point that is worthy of elaboration. Consider Kevin who is frequently annoyed because his wife, Jill fails to put away items after using them. After returning home one evening he noticed that Jill had cleaned up and neatly organized her home office. He could choose to say nothing about it, thinking that this is how she should always keep the room. However if he genuinely expresses admiration and appreciation for her efforts, she will be more inclined to repeat the behavior.

Reminding yourself of and appreciating your mate’s positive attributes will help you to exercise patience in moments of frustration. It also helps you to keep the right perspective so that you will pick your battles rather than allowing yourself to be annoyed by minor issues.

You have the power to increase the likelihood of positive change in your relationship by being intentional. Use the strategies of visualization, expressing appreciation and giving your love to your mate. Try these suggestions without telling your mate what you are doing and why. Watch and see what happens, then come back and leave a comment below about how things are going.

Is Stress Affecting Your Love Relationship?

by Grace Sidberry | 5 comments

Is Stress Affecting Your Love Relationship?

At one time or another we all experience stress. What you may not realize is how much stress negatively affects your love relationship. Stress can come from outside influences such as a demanding job, living in a high crime neighborhood or coping with societal problems and injustice. Stress can also come from factors directly related to home life such as being a parent, managing finances or dealing with in-laws.

How Stress Negatively Affects You

You may be aware of some of the physical symptoms of stress, these include tense muscles and headaches. Stress can also can also contribute to the development or worsening of potentially serious health conditions such as hypertension, heart disease, excessive weight gain and diabetes to name a few. Individuals who are stressed may also experience emotional symptoms such as depression, irritability, anxiety and a general feeling of being emotionally overwhelmed. In addition, feeling stressed can affect your ability to think clearly, make decisions and concentrate.

How Stress Negatively Affects Your Relationship

It is normal for couples to experience differences of opinion and to argue at times. However, the likelihood of disagreements and arguments increases significantly when either you or your partner is feeling stressed. Feeling overwhelmed and stressed may cause your mind to be preoccupied. This makes it easy for you and your mate to experience miscommunication and misunderstandings, not to mention the hurt feelings that also follow.

Major life changes such as a new baby or the loss of a job can create significant pressures in a marriage. At times like this, you may begin to wonder whether you mate is really the person you thought they were in the beginning of the relationship. You may find yourself feeling more anger than usual and even having feelings of mistrust. When it comes to sex, stress definitely causes major problems. Physical exhaustion, loss of libido, sleep difficulties, depression are all symptoms of feeling stressed. All of these factors can seriously interfere with your sex life.

Learn to Manage Stress

So what can you do? How can you gain control so that you are not helpless as you try to manage stress and take care of your relationship?

Take an honest look at yourself

Have you been feeling overwhelmed? Are you experiencing difficulty sleeping? Are you and your partner experiencing more disagreements? Is there something that is causing you stress? Becoming aware and acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step towards positive change. Some amount of stress is unavoidable so the solution is not to escape it, but to try to manage it.

Practice healthy self-care

Oftentimes feeling stressed comes when you think that, there’s too much to do, and not enough time to do it. With that thinking, you may put self-care on the back burner and this causes even more problems. Before you can take on life’s stressors, you need to be functioning well.

Take care of your nutrition by eating healthy, well-balanced meals.
Get adequate sleep. To help improve your quality of sleep, power down your electronic devices an hour before you go to bed.
Exercise, this is so important! Whether it is going for a walk, run or workout at home or at the gym, exercise is incredibly effective for helping you to manage stress.

Communicate with your partner

Miscommunication and misunderstandings tend to be frequent when partners are stressed. It’s a good idea to use a personal timeout as a strategy for taking time to calm yourself and regain your composure in moments when you are feeling very frustrated. After you are calm, you will be in a better frame of mind to listen and communicate with your partner. Take turns sharing your concerns, listen with an open mind and make an effort to try to understand your partner’s perspective.

Work Together As A Team

You and your partner will encounter stressors individually and as a couple. Those challenges present you with the opportunity to learn and grow. It helps when you work together as a team. You each have individual strengths and when you combine those strengths, it benefits your relationship. Take time to share your hopes and dreams with each other. Talk with each other and work together to create joint goals including the legacy you wish to leave for your family.

The presence of stress in your life and relationships has the potential to create negative consequences. However it also presents you with an opportunity to learn, and to work positively to manage your life and improve your love relationship. If you would like more information about stress and how you can effectively manage it, click the link below to purchase my eBook.

Stressed: How to Survive and Thrive.

Should I Forgive My Spouse? Is It Safe To Trust Again?

by Grace Sidberry | 8 comments

Should I Forgive My Spouse? Is It Safe To Trust Again?

Are you in a committed love relationship? If you are, here’s an unpopular but undeniable truth – you will get hurt! This is not a cynical statement meant to scare you; it’s a logical conclusion based on the fact that you and your partner are imperfect. Of course, some hurts leave much deeper wounds than others and choosing to forgive is often not an easy decision. Choosing to forgive is powerful, because it releases you from the burden of deep resentment and bitterness that comes when you don’t forgive.

Being willing to forgive is healthy

A willingness to forgive is a pre-requisite to a healthy relationship. Forgiving your spouse is much easier when the problem is minor, such as your spouse’s annoying behaviors that get under your skin and leave you feeling irritated. Choosing to forgive is much more complicated when the wrongdoing is significant and causes much pain.

Larry discovered that his wife Sue had not only overdrawn their bank account but she had also failed to pay the mortgage for several months. Larry was shocked because Sue had assured him that she had everything under control. The couple had experienced financial problems early in their marriage but both had agreed to follow a financial plan and to be accountable to each other. Larry found out that Sue had a gambling problem and worst of all she attempted to cover it all up by lying to him. He was hurt, angry and felt betrayed.

After getting past the feeling of shock, Larry wondered if he should forgive Sue. He was so hurt by her deception, he wondered if he could ever trust her again. If he forgave her, would it be giving her further opportunity to hurt him again?

The difference between choosing to forgive and reconciliation

It is helpful to distinguish between choosing to forgive and the process of reconciliation. The act of forgiveness is a matter of choice. Choosing to forgive is healthy, but it does not mean that you should leave yourself open for further abuse. After forgiveness comes the process of restoration or reconciliation.

The process of reconciliation, working through the problems, takes time and requires a willingness to risk. The decision whether to reconcile a relationship or not, is a very personal decision that is up to the individuals. The likelihood of reconciliation being successful is better when the person who caused the hurt is remorseful and makes a consistent and deliberate effort to change the inappropriate behaviors.

Choosing to forgive can cause fear

You may feel reluctant to forgive if your spouse’s actions have opened old wounds. In Larry’s case, his marital difficulties reopened a childhood wound. His parents divorced primarily because of Larry’s father’s mismanagement of the family’s finances. Larry found himself reliving that painful period of his life as he struggled with how to handle the problems in his marriage.

Larry ultimately decided to forgive Sue because he loved her and because he wanted to preserve his marriage and his family. It helped that Sue was ashamed and remorseful. Their plan of reconciliation put Larry in charge of handling all of the family’s financial matters. Sue got professional help for her gambling addiction and they both received marriage counseling.

If you are in a situation where you are trying to decide whether to forgive your spouse, remember that choosing to forgive sets you free to consider taking the next step towards reconciliation and healing. The topic of forgiveness and other related issues are covered in our online course Thirty Days to Better Love. For more information click on the link below:

Thirty Days To Better Love.

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