by Grace Sidberry
A recent article in Psychology Today identified the best and worst ages to get married. Apparently the worst ages to marry are either in your teens or after your early 30’s. Does age really determine the success of your marriage? If you get married outside of the ideal age range, does your marriage stand a chance?
Nicholas Wolfinger, a professor at the University of Utah, conducted research on the relationship between the age at which couples marry and the likelihood of divorce. The findings suggest the ideal time frame to get married is when you are in your mid twenties to early 30’s. Couples who marry during this time frame tend to be less likely to divorce than couples who marry in their teens and those who marry in their mid 30’s or later.
If you were married either earlier or later than the ideal time frame, don’t worry; there are steps you can take to increase your chances of a successful marriage.
We can speculate about the reasons why marriages that take place outside of the ideal window tend to falter.
How marrying young may impact the success of your marriage
Couples who marry at a younger age may lack the maturity and patience needed to go through the learning and growing process that is a part of every marriage. Younger couples may also be less prepared academically and professionally for the financial stressors of life. Their situation could potentially become increasingly stressful if the couple has children before they are fully ready for the responsibility.
How marrying at a later age may impact the success of your marriage
Couples who marry at a later age may be entrenched in their own habits and mindset; they may be reluctant to make the adjustments necessary for the marriage to be successful. Couples who marry at a later age are also likely to have been previously married and to have children. The creation of a blended family presents some special challenges. Couples in blended families do best when they practice patience with each other and with the children. It takes time to establish trust and to develop authentic connections in blended families
How to address struggles that may impact the success of your marriage
To have a lasting relationship a couple must go through the growing pains of learning how to work together. This includes learning how to communicate effectively, how to solve problems and how to take care of each other.
Communicating effectively means respecting your partner’s right to his or her perspective, even when it differs from yours. This is particularly difficult if you have strong feelings about the issue you are discussing. It is helpful to make a conscientious effort to listen to your spouse. Listen to the words and beyond that, listen to the emotions underlying the words. Acknowledge what you have heard by recapping what has been expressed before you share your perspective.
When you and your spouse face a problem that needs to be resolved, remember you are team players. The approach of viewing each other as playing on the same team helps you avoid seeing and treating each other as the enemy when you have a disagreement. Manage any strong, negative emotions by using strategies such as taking a time out to cool down. When you feel calm, you think and communicate more effectively and you are able to make rational decisions.
More than likely when you got married you and your spouse believed taking care of each other would come naturally. Isn’t that what you do when you love each other? To your surprise you may now realize it’s a lot more complicated than you thought. However, learning to take care of each other requires stepping outside of your limited perspective, learning about your spouse and adjusting to meet his or her needs.
For example, you tend to show your love and caring in the manner that you like to be shown love and caring. If your primary way of feeling loved by your partner is when he or she acknowledges you and expresses appreciation, you are also likely to want to show your love in the same way. Yet, your partner could prefer to be shown love in another way such as physical intimacy or taking the time and effort to do something special.
Although Wolfinger’s data suggests an ideal age of marriage to lessen the likelihood of divorce, marriage at any age can be successful. No matter what time in your life you decide to marry learning how to successfully communicate effectively, how to problem solve and how to care for each other can positively impact the success of your marriage.
by Grace Sidberry
Are feelings of insecurity coming from a habitual pattern of overwhelming fear that your partner will cheat on you? Or is your partner acting in a way that leads you to feel insecure? Or is it both? Would you like to know how to break free of these fears so that you can experience all that your relationship has to offer? Let’s dive in.
The first step to break free of insecurities that plague your relationship is to figure out where the feelings are coming from.
Previous Relationship Problems Can Contribute to Insecurity
Experiencing infidelity in previous relationships may cause you to be fearful that it will happen again. Without realizing it you may anticipate that your partner will be unfaithful and may search for evidence to confirm your expectations.
Take a moment to honestly assess your thoughts and feelings about your partner’s likelihood of being loyal to you. Consider these questions:
- Have you been in a previous relationship where your partner cheated?
- Have you always had a fear or belief that your current partner might cheat?
Childhood Issues Can Contribute To Insecurity
Sometimes feelings of insecurity stem from even earlier hurts; perhaps during childhood the impact of your parent’s infidelity affected you and your family. Those wounds may have left you fearful that it might happen to you.
The instinct to protect yourself from physical and emotional pain is so powerful that your mind will assume the worst when triggered by something that seems suspicious. It helps to realize this, calm yourself and address your concerns when you are calm.
Your Partner’s Attitude and Behavior Can Contribute to Insecurity
Problems such as poor communication, frequent arguing and fighting, and feeling stressed may cause emotional distance in a relationship. Feelings of insecurity can arise when a partner is disrespectful and fails to maintain appropriate boundaries with other people. If you are experiencing emotional distance in your relationship, it’s important not to ignore it Express your concerns to your partner.
A valuable exercise to practice with your partner is clarifying your relationship goals. From there you will need to figure out the changes that you need to make. During this conversation make an effort to listen to your partner with an open mind. When expressing your thoughts and feelings, try to do so in a respectful manner.
If You Have Discovered Infidelity
If you and your partner have decided to repair a relationship after discovering infidelity here are some additional steps. In order to rebuild a relationship based on trust, the partner who has committed the breach will need to make an extra effort to be open and transparent. This means volunteering information that will help to reassure you of their commitment to the relationship. Rebuilding trust also requires that the partner who strayed accept responsibility for the behavior, genuinely express regret, and verbalize reassurance that it will not happen again.
When you have been wounded by infidelity, it is normal to experience anger and fear. However, if you have decided to mend your relationship, you will need to work through the process of forgiving your partner and choosing to move on. This is a challenging process and you may find it helpful to seek the counsel of a skilled couples’ therapist.
While insecurities in a relationship can be caused by any combination of past and present experiences, it is important to address them in order to experience all that your relationship has to offer. Once you identify what is causing your insecurities, using the tools above can help you to manage your feelings and work toward mending your love relationship.
by Grace Sidberry |
At the start of a new year many couples have great hopes and dreams for things they want to accomplish. Frequently they set goals and make resolutions that simply do not materialize. Here are three essential steps to get you on track as a couple in the New Year.
Create Attainable Goals
Setting goals and making plans are important steps towards accomplishing your hopes and dreams. Too often couples set such lofty goals that before long they lose momentum and interest and their intentions and efforts quickly fade away.
Set small goals and take small steps as you work to accomplish your dreams. Instead of saying, “We are going to pay off all our credit cards”, it may be better to start small. Instead you may be more effective if you promise yourself, “Every pay period we are going to pay down on each card until they are all eventually paid off”. Also it would be helpful to make the decision to curb spending so that new debt does not accumulate.
Teamwork Makes The Dream Work
Afteryou and your partner have established your goals, you will need to work together as teammates to accomplish them. It’s a good idea to periodically discuss how well you are progressing towards your goals. This gives you an opportunity to determine what is working well and what you may need to change.
As you work towards your goals, you and your partner will likely have moments of disagreement. Bear in mind, your team is stronger when you make an effort to hear and respect each other’s perspective. A healthy dose of patience and consideration is important. You will also need to effectively manage your emotions during moments of frustration.
Protect Your Goals from Dream Stealers
In order to stay on track towards your dreams and your goals, you will need to avoid falling into the rut of past disappointments. Every couple experiences failures and struggles at some point in the relationship. If you’re not careful those failures will impede your progress towards your goals if you allow them to.
As you reflect on past failures, you may begin to doubt that you can attain your present goals. This concern is understandable. Accept it for what it is, your mind trying to protect you from future disappointment. However keep striving anyway. You are much more likely to arrive at your goal if you just keep moving, even if progress is slower than you want it to be.
Stoke the fire of motivation by keeping your focus on what you are trying to accomplish. Encourage each other and celebrate the accomplishments that you have made so far. Don’t allow any missteps to bog you down, instead view them as an opportunity to adjust what you are doing and keep moving forwards.
by Grace Sidberry |
Most love relationships start off with a bang! However for too many couples, after a while the breathless gazes are replaced by angry looks and the promise of undying love fades into the distance.
As time goes by and life becomes stressful, you may begin to think your relationship is beyond hope. Could it be that there are certain relationship myths that are affecting your perspective?
Relationship Myth #1 Good Relationships Are Supposed To Be Easy.
If you believe this and you are experiencing difficulties in your relationship you may conclude that you have made a mistake by choosing the wrong partner. The truth is relationships are hard work. It takes effort and time to get to know each other on a deep level.
The process of getting to know each other is like peeling an onion. As you go through different experiences you will discover things about yourself and each other that you never realized before.
Healthy love relationships require you to grow as you learn to adapt to each other and meet each other’s needs. The process of growth is painful at times because you are being challenged to change routines or behaviors that are familiar and very comfortable to you.
For example if you’ve been used to hanging out with friends whenever you want to, the freedom and flexibility feels great to you. However your partner may now want you to coordinate your schedule and plans with her before you agree to meet your friends.
Or you may be used to sharing the intimate details of your personal life with close family members or girlfriends. Your partner may feel that this violates his trust and would like you to be more discreet about what you share. Making adjustments and compromises to honor each other’s concerns may feel like a burden, but these sacrifices help to create a healthy relationship.
Relationship Myth #2 Couples In Good Relationships Hardly Disagree or Fight
Some couples argue a lot and other couples hardly argue. This is a statement of fact and not necessarily an indicator of the health of the relationship. The crucial issue is how a couple works through their disagreements.
Arguments tend to escalate when partners get upset. Heated emotions make it difficult to have a reasonable conversation. You can manage heated emotions by taking a time out and by practicing certain techniques to help you calm down. Once you are calm, you will be in a better frame of mind to communicate with your partner.
Relationship Myth #3 Good Relationships are almost always fun
It goes without saying that you chose to be in a committed relationship with your partner because you wanted to share the joy of living life together. That is as it should be, however as in any other area of life relationships go through phases and difficulties.
At the beginning of your relationship you and your partner probably talked about your goals and dreams. Time has passed and you may have arrived at some of these goals. However instead of happiness and fulfillment, you may be feeling overwhelmed or burdened. You may even be questioning if you still want to be in this relationship.
Usually times of heightened stress trigger difficulties in relationships. These stressors may include parenting, juggling careers, studying for an advanced degree and financial difficulties. The good news is that it is possible to get through this phase of your relationship and to become stronger as you work together to overcome the challenges.
Rekindle The Spark In Your Love Relationship
Consider taking our online course 30 Days to Better Love. This 4-week interactive program provides you with dynamic tools and strategies to help you and your partner work through challenges and experience greater joy in your relationship. You will learn how to:
- Communicate effectively
- Manage conflict
- Create a relationship built on trust
- Nurture physical and sexual intimacy
- Protect your relationship from affairs
- Strategies for managing your finances
- How to handle infidelity
- And much more
You have a choice! Don’t allow relationship myths to ruin your chances for the love you desire. Your decision to invest time and effort into working on your relationship is worth it.
by Grace Sidberry
I was just listening to an interview with Brene Brown, the social researcher who studies shame. She was speaking about the benefit of living wholeheartedly. This means having a willingness to be vulnerable, take risks and actively embrace life fully. Brene made me think about how powerful it is to LOVE wholeheartedly. To do so also involves taking risks and actively embracing all the ups and downs, the struggles and the beautiful times that that are part of being in a committed love relationship.
Dare To Love Wholeheartedly By Being Your Best
When you love wholeheartedly you make the commitment to be the best partner you can be. This includes those times when you are upset with each other. Loving wholeheartedly by being your best means not giving each other the silent treatment. It means taking time to cool down. It also means you try talking through your problems.
Loving wholeheartedly by being your best means practicing forgiveness and choosing not to hold grudges. Although you may find yourself thinking about old arguments and times in the past when your partner has hurt you. You release those memories, realizing that it doesn’t help to keep bringing up those old hurts each time you have a disagreement.
Dare To Love Wholeheartedly And Face Your Fear
Loving wholeheartedly means that you are willing to face the feelings of fear that come with the uncertainty of not knowing how your relationship will unfold. If you’re like most people, you’ve been hurt by someone at some point in your life. Because of that experience, you may be reluctant to put yourself in a position where you could be hurt again. Loving wholeheartedly while facing your fear means that you accept the risk. You do so because you believe that the good that you experience will outweigh the negatives in your relationship.
Dare To Love Wholeheartedly And Get To Know Your Partner
Loving wholeheartedly means that you take the time and make the effort to really get to know your partner. Your relationship provides you with an opportunity for ongoing learning, growing and adapting to each other. No doubt it is frustrating at times when you feel that you just don’t understand your mate. Your willingness to work at trying to understand your mate’s perspective is hugely important in your relationship. Think about how you feel when someone takes the time to stop and listen objectively to your thoughts and feelings. It is especially gratifying when that person acknowledges and respects your rights to your perspective even if they don’t agree with you. That’s what you are trying to achieve with your partner.
Daring to love wholeheartedly means that you make it your priority to show up daily and to give your best to your relationship. It means that you don’t sweat the small stuff and that you are willing to accept the risk that comes with the journey of love. Your reward will be the feelings of fulfillment and security as you love, respect and appreciate each other on a deep level.
