by Grace Sidberry
To communicate effectively, you need to do more than just be a good talker. When someone says to you, “I’m all ears”, it generally means that they are giving you their undivided attention. Unfortunately in our hectic world, few of us give our undivided attention to others. We are bombarded by all kinds of distractions and we pride ourselves on being expert multi-taskers. Without realizing it, this skill may come at the price of truly being present, being able to really hear and understand what your loved one is saying to you.
How to Communicate Effectively
Give your undivided attention
In order to be in the right mind frame for listening to and then sharing with your partner turn off distractions such as your cell phone, television and other electronic devices.
Look your partner in the face
By tuning into certain cues such as facial expression and looking into your partner’s eyes, you gain a deeper understanding of what he is feeling. Maintaining appropriate eye contact also demonstrates that you are really interested in what your partner is sharing. She will appreciate you for it.
Listen for more than just the words
In addition to listening to your partner’s words, pay attention to details such as body language, posture and tone of voice. The input you gain gives you a more complete picture of what your partner is thinking and feeling.
Show your partner how much you care by giving the gift of your presence!
Share your experiences and challenges with giving and receiving the gift of presence. Write your comments here and don’t forget to sign up for Your Love Relationship tips.
by Grace Sidberry |
When life is shared between two people, hurting each other isn’t a matter of if … it’s a matter of when. Hurt happens. If you want a successful love relationship, you will need to learn to forgive.
Suggesting forgiveness to someone who has been broken and hurt is like asking a hungry person to give up the last piece of bread. It’s true that you will be hurt again and you are afraid to be taken advantage of if you extend forgiveness. However, it is important to understand that forgiveness benefits you more than it does the person you are forgiving. Forgiving releases you from the tyranny of constantly blaming the other person and helps you to effectively manage feelings of fear, hurt, and anger. This opens the door for the healing process to begin.
Letting it go does not mean ignoring abuse or repeat offenses from your partner. If something has hurt you, learn from it, be wise, and set boundaries to protect yourself.
Forgive And Let it Go
Manage miscommunication
When two people share a life together, misunderstandings and miscommunications are a given. To ease the communication process, it is necessary to keep the right perspective. When there are minor problems, do not turn them into huge issues. Perhaps your partner forgot your birthday. Counteract your fears of being unloved with the truth that your partner is human and probably just made a mistake. Think about the other things your partner does that show love and consideration.
Forgiving and healing is complex when the hurt is deep
Sometimes the wounds you experience in your relationship can be very deep. This is especially true if you have been betrayed, for example if your partner has been unfaithful. An unwillingness to forgive may be your way of trying to protect yourself from being vulnerable again and opening yourself to further hurt. Healing from this kind of betrayal is complex and hard work.
Forgiving this kind of hurt is a process that takes time. Most importantly, it does not mean that you are giving your partner permission to treat you like a doormat. It helps to recognize that forgiveness is the process that releases you from the ongoing damage that occurs when you hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. It is to be distinguished from the work of healing and repairing your relationship, should you choose to remain with your partner.
Choose to forgive
Choosing to forgive is not the same as excusing or ignoring your partner’s responsibility for what was done to hurt you. Choosing to forgive is your way of showing yourself compassion, understanding and love. To begin, examine your thoughts and feelings about what has happened from a standpoint of objectivity. Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions as if you are observing them from a distance. This way you can effectively think through the situation without becoming consumed by your feelings.
Next examine your internal dialogue about yourself and rework your negative narrative and destructive thoughts. Perhaps you are feeling guilty for being vulnerable with your partner; gently acknowledge that this is more an indication of your human need for affection than it is a weakness on your part.
Accept the fact that it happened; painful experiences are part of the fabric of life. Is part of your reluctance to forgive due to the fact that you have a distorted perception of what love is and how you think your partner should always act toward you?
Relieve your experiencing of pain by using self-soothing techniques such as tuning into your breathing for a few moments. The practice of focusing on your breath as you breathe in and out helps to relieve emotional stress.
Shift your attention from dwelling on your pain by observing and indulging in the easily overlooked simple, yet inspiring aspects of life around you. Notice the way that the sunlight shines through your window, listen to a favorite piece of music or take a refreshing walk outdoors. This is the process of letting go.
Now that you have an idea of how to manage the painful emotions what are you going to do in response to what has happened? If for example your partner has been unfaithful, you will need to carefully consider many factors as you try to decide what to do about your relationship. A willingness to accept responsibility for inappropriate actions, a genuine expression of remorse, a willingness to change the inappropriate behavior, a willingness to actively work with you to improve the relationship are all essential steps in the process of working through and healing a relationship where there is deep hurt.
Doing life together
Are real lasting love relationships possible? Yes, hearts can heal and yes, two people can thrive together if they are willing to work through hurt, fear, and anger in order to let it go and love.
by Grace Sidberry
If it hasn’t happened yet, believe me it will. At some point you will find yourself getting angry with your partner. Some people are slow to experience this intense and often overwhelming emotional storm, others find that they are easily irritated and they struggle to manage anger.
Anger is a natural response when you are hurt or offended. When you are angry, you are motivated to protect yourself from additional harm and quite likely you are inclined to vent your feelings by lashing out.
The urge to react in anger is due to your natural makeup. We have an instinctive and deeply rooted biological urge to respond to certain triggers with a surge of temper that can overpower even the most rational thinking person. Your challenge and your responsibility are to regain control and manage anger so that you do not harm yourself, your partner or your relationship. Here are four important steps to manage anger:
Manage Anger
Step 1: Step away from the situation
It is never a good idea to try to talk through the problem when either partner is very upset. This is when there is the greatest danger of saying or doing something that could cause great hurt. Take a time out to cool down. Let your partner know that you need time and space and that you will speak with them later.
Step 2: Calm Down
Anger often brings an intense feeling of negative energy, redirect the energy by doing something physical such as going for a walk, mowing the lawn or cleaning the house. Once the energy is spent, you will be in a better frame of mind to think through the situation and respond appropriately.
For further help with relieving your anger, take a few moments to pay attention to your breathing. Focus on the breath as it passes in through your nostrils and then out, or if you prefer, focus on the rise of your chest as you breathe in and the fall as you breathe out. Focusing on your breathing for a few minutes helps to reverse many of the physical changes that occur in your body when you are stressed. It helps to reduce your heart rate, lower your blood pressure and generally calms you down.
Step 3: Think about what happened
Analyze what just happened. What led you to become so angry? The more you understand about what triggers these intense emotions, the greater your chances of learning how to control them. Take an honest, objective look at yourself. Think about your conversation or interaction with your partner right before you became angry. What specific comment or action triggered the outburst? Is this trigger a recurring issue in your relationship? Do you sense that you are experiencing other emotions besides the anger?
As you think about the situation, you may realize that along with the feelings of anger or frustration, there are other feelings such as emotional pain, guilt or even shame. This may indicate that there are unresolved issues that you may be carrying that are rising to the surface. Be honest with yourself, identify and acknowledge the feelings. This can help you to understand why you became upset and it can also help to calm you down.
Step 4: Make amends
Take responsibility for your words and actions. Apologize if you have caused harm. Even though your partner may have hurt you and they have not yet apologized, take the initiative and set the stage for healing to occur in your relationship.
The best time to speak with your partner is when both of you are calm. While you are talking through the situation, be careful not to allow the triggers to reignite your angry feelings. Use the calming, soothing exercise of focusing on your breathing to help you maintain your composure during your conversation.
Bear in mind that you will need to pick your battles. There are some issues that aren’t worth fighting over so choose to let go of the stuff that is not important.
If you find that that you are having great difficulty managing your emotions, you may want to consider speaking with a professional counselor to help guide you through the process.
The emotion of anger is a useful indicator that something has gone wrong. By following these steps you will be better able to make sense of the problem that led you to become upset. Use the tools to manage your anger and to work to strengthen your love relationship.
For more information on how to strengthen your relationship, check out our eCourse 30 Days to Better Love.
by Grace Sidberry |
You’ve waited a long time to find the right person to share your dreams and your life. You found someone and you thought they were that special person – that special someone with whom you could create a great love relationship. Yet, something doesn’t feel right. The communication doesn’t flow, there are annoying little habits and you just can’t seem to understand each other. It feels so overwhelming! What do you do?
How to Create a Great Love Relationship
Make it your priority to learn about your partner
It’s as if you are a student and your partner is the expert who will teach you about himself. Even though you may have been in a relationship for a long time, there is always more to learn and more to understand about the love of your life. Your partner will think differently than you do about certain topics. Their preferences and needs will vary from yours.
You tend to view life in a particular way and oftentimes without realizing it you expect your partner to think, feel and act as you do. When reality differs from what you expect, you may become irritated or upset. The best thing you can do is to accept the fact that there will be differences. It helps to remember that you cannot change your partner; you can only change yourself. As you do, you will need to learn how to manage your response to the things that you do not like about your partner.
Realize that your relationship is a blend of the unique qualities from both of you. The challenge and the triumph comes when you learn to respect and appreciate each other’s differences and you learn to integrate them together to create a cooperative partnership.
Make it your business to strive to meet your partner’s needs
A little understood truth about love relationships is that creating a healthy relationship requires you to think differently than you did when you were single. No longer can you focus exclusively on what pleases you, a healthy love relationship requires that you focus on how to please your partner.
To accomplish this you will likely need to step out of your comfort zone at times by doing things that your partner may enjoy, that may not be your favorite thing to do. You may be a homebody but your partner enjoys going out to activities. Your willingness to participate in an evening out would mean a lot. Stretching beyond the limits of what you enjoy doing is self-sacrificial; this is part of what love is all about.
You may ask, “What if I’m the only one sacrificing, aren’t my needs also important?” Resoundingly the answer is Yes! Here’s another little understood truth about relationships, when you create an atmosphere of kindness, consideration and self-sacrificial love, your partner will be more inclined to return the favor.
Clarify your goals for your love relationship
Being in a relationship is similar to being on a journey. When you travel you have a destination in mind, in your relationship it is important to clarify the goals that you are trying to accomplish together. If Charlie and Amy have different goals for their relationship they are likely to experience greater misunderstanding, conflict and heartache.
Early in a relationship, the goal may simply be to get to know each other and to have fun. As time progresses it helps to discuss where the relationship is going. This is the kind of conversation that can create a sense of panic in some individuals. If this is the case, it suggests that there are underlying issues that are likely affecting the relationship, that need to be addressed.
The question of, “Where are we going in our relationship?” is valuable even if you are already in a committed long-term relationship or marriage. Taking time out to clarify your goals together can strengthen your sense of purpose, focus and unity. It also gives you an opportunity to correct your course if you realize that you have been heading in the wrong direction.
As you will come to realize, creating a successful love relationship is possible. It is complex and requires patience and effort. Having mutual goals helps to provide you with motivation to keep working through the challenging times. As you grow in your understanding of your partner, you will experience the kind of fulfillment that makes your personal sacrifice worthwhile.
Would you like more tools for creating a great love relationship? Check out our eCourse 30 Days to Better Love.
by Grace Sidberry
Have you ever wished that you could understand the secrets of how to make your love relationship great? Well, you have made a wise decision to read this blog; I can help you. My name is Grace and for over 25 years I have worked with couples as a licensed psychologist teaching skills for improving relationships.
The path to a great relationship starts with the self; getting to know yourself – how you communicate, how you manage your emotions and how you relate to others is an important first step to working on your relationship. Your Love Relationship blog will cover these topics plus provide you with scientifically based techniques for maintaining your composure in difficult moments. You will learn to successfully deal with conflicts and strengthen the emotional bond in your relationship.
Improving yourself and improving your relationship involves change. We humans tend to be creatures of habit, so it takes time and effort to accomplish lasting change. Make a commitment to review this material periodically and practice what you have learned.
In addition I invite you to sign up for Your Love Relationship tips that will be conveniently mailed to your inbox. There you will receive more in depth information to help you strengthen your love relationship.
See you next time.
Grace
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