Are You Struggling With Insecurity In Your Love Relationship?

Are feelings of insecurity coming from a habitual pattern of overwhelming fear that your partner will cheat on you? Or is your partner acting in a way that leads you to feel insecure? Or is it both? Would you like to know how to break free of these fears so that you can experience all that your relationship has to offer? Let’s dive in.

The first step to break free of insecurities that plague your relationship is to figure out where the feelings are coming from.

Previous Relationship Problems Can Contribute to Insecurity

Experiencing infidelity in previous relationships may cause you to be fearful that it will happen again. Without realizing it you may anticipate that your partner will be unfaithful and may search for evidence to confirm your expectations.

Take a moment to honestly assess your thoughts and feelings about your partner’s likelihood of being loyal to you. Consider these questions:

Have you been in a previous relationship where your partner cheated?
Have you always had a fear or belief that your current partner might cheat?

Childhood Issues Can Contribute To Insecurity

Sometimes feelings of insecurity stem from even earlier hurts; perhaps during childhood the impact of your parent’s infidelity affected you and your family. Those wounds may have left you fearful that it might happen to you.

The instinct to protect yourself from physical and emotional pain is so powerful that your mind will assume the worst when triggered by something that seems suspicious. It helps to realize this, calm yourself and address your concerns when you are calm.

Your Partner’s Attitude and Behavior Can Contribute to Insecurity

Problems such as poor communication, frequent arguing and fighting, and feeling stressed may cause emotional distance in a relationship. Feelings of insecurity can arise when a partner is disrespectful and fails to maintain appropriate boundaries with other people. If you are experiencing emotional distance in your relationship, it’s important not to ignore it Express your concerns to your partner.

A valuable exercise to practice with your partner is clarifying your relationship goals. From there you will need to figure out the changes that you need to make. During this conversation make an effort to listen to your partner with an open mind. When expressing your thoughts and feelings, try to do so in a respectful manner.

If You Have Discovered Infidelity

If you and your partner have decided to repair a relationship after discovering infidelity here are some additional steps. In order to rebuild a relationship based on trust, the partner who has committed the breach will need to make an extra effort to be open and transparent. This means volunteering information that will help to reassure you of their commitment to the relationship. Rebuilding trust also requires that the partner who strayed accept responsibility for the behavior, genuinely express regret, and verbalize reassurance that it will not happen again.

When you have been wounded by infidelity, it is normal to experience anger and fear. However, if you have decided to mend your relationship, you will need to work through the process of forgiving your partner and choosing to move on. This is a challenging process and you may find it helpful to seek the counsel of a skilled couples’ therapist.

While insecurities in a relationship can be caused by any combination of past and present experiences, it is important to address them in order to experience all that your relationship has to offer. Once you identify what is causing your insecurities, using the tools above can help you to manage your feelings and work toward mending your love relationship.

Should I Forgive My Spouse? Is It Safe To Trust Again?

by Grace Sidberry | 8 comments

Should I Forgive My Spouse? Is It Safe To Trust Again?

Are you in a committed love relationship? If you are, here’s an unpopular but undeniable truth – you will get hurt! This is not a cynical statement meant to scare you; it’s a logical conclusion based on the fact that you and your partner are imperfect. Of course, some hurts leave much deeper wounds than others and choosing to forgive is often not an easy decision. Choosing to forgive is powerful, because it releases you from the burden of deep resentment and bitterness that comes when you don’t forgive.

Being willing to forgive is healthy

A willingness to forgive is a pre-requisite to a healthy relationship. Forgiving your spouse is much easier when the problem is minor, such as your spouse’s annoying behaviors that get under your skin and leave you feeling irritated. Choosing to forgive is much more complicated when the wrongdoing is significant and causes much pain.

Larry discovered that his wife Sue had not only overdrawn their bank account but she had also failed to pay the mortgage for several months. Larry was shocked because Sue had assured him that she had everything under control. The couple had experienced financial problems early in their marriage but both had agreed to follow a financial plan and to be accountable to each other. Larry found out that Sue had a gambling problem and worst of all she attempted to cover it all up by lying to him. He was hurt, angry and felt betrayed.

After getting past the feeling of shock, Larry wondered if he should forgive Sue. He was so hurt by her deception, he wondered if he could ever trust her again. If he forgave her, would it be giving her further opportunity to hurt him again?

The difference between choosing to forgive and reconciliation

It is helpful to distinguish between choosing to forgive and the process of reconciliation. The act of forgiveness is a matter of choice. Choosing to forgive is healthy, but it does not mean that you should leave yourself open for further abuse. After forgiveness comes the process of restoration or reconciliation.

The process of reconciliation, working through the problems, takes time and requires a willingness to risk. The decision whether to reconcile a relationship or not, is a very personal decision that is up to the individuals. The likelihood of reconciliation being successful is better when the person who caused the hurt is remorseful and makes a consistent and deliberate effort to change the inappropriate behaviors.

Choosing to forgive can cause fear

You may feel reluctant to forgive if your spouse’s actions have opened old wounds. In Larry’s case, his marital difficulties reopened a childhood wound. His parents divorced primarily because of Larry’s father’s mismanagement of the family’s finances. Larry found himself reliving that painful period of his life as he struggled with how to handle the problems in his marriage.

Larry ultimately decided to forgive Sue because he loved her and because he wanted to preserve his marriage and his family. It helped that Sue was ashamed and remorseful. Their plan of reconciliation put Larry in charge of handling all of the family’s financial matters. Sue got professional help for her gambling addiction and they both received marriage counseling.

If you are in a situation where you are trying to decide whether to forgive your spouse, remember that choosing to forgive sets you free to consider taking the next step towards reconciliation and healing. The topic of forgiveness and other related issues are covered in our online course Thirty Days to Better Love. For more information click on the link below:

Thirty Days To Better Love.

Frozen Heart? Forgive And Let It Go

by Grace Sidberry | 2 comments

When life is shared between two people, hurting each other isn’t a matter of if … it’s a matter of when. Hurt happens. If you want a successful love relationship, you will need to learn to forgive.

Suggesting forgiveness to someone who has been broken and hurt is like asking a hungry person to give up the last piece of bread. It’s true that you will be hurt again and you are afraid to be taken advantage of if you extend forgiveness. However, it is important to understand that forgiveness benefits you more than it does the person you are forgiving. Forgiving releases you from the tyranny of constantly blaming the other person and helps you to effectively manage feelings of fear, hurt, and anger. This opens the door for the healing process to begin.

Letting it go does not mean ignoring abuse or repeat offenses from your partner. If something has hurt you, learn from it, be wise, and set boundaries to protect yourself.

Forgive And Let it Go

Manage miscommunication

When two people share a life together, misunderstandings and miscommunications are a given. To ease the communication process, it is necessary to keep the right perspective. When there are minor problems, do not turn them into huge issues. Perhaps your partner forgot your birthday. Counteract your fears of being unloved with the truth that your partner is human and probably just made a mistake. Think about the other things your partner does that show love and consideration.

Forgiving and healing is complex when the hurt is deep

Sometimes the wounds you experience in your relationship can be very deep. This is especially true if you have been betrayed, for example if your partner has been unfaithful. An unwillingness to forgive may be your way of trying to protect yourself from being vulnerable again and opening yourself to further hurt. Healing from this kind of betrayal is complex and hard work.

Forgiving this kind of hurt is a process that takes time. Most importantly, it does not mean that you are giving your partner permission to treat you like a doormat. It helps to recognize that forgiveness is the process that releases you from the ongoing damage that occurs when you hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. It is to be distinguished from the work of healing and repairing your relationship, should you choose to remain with your partner.

Choose to forgive

Choosing to forgive is not the same as excusing or ignoring your partner’s responsibility for what was done to hurt you. Choosing to forgive is your way of showing yourself compassion, understanding and love. To begin, examine your thoughts and feelings about what has happened from a standpoint of objectivity. Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions as if you are observing them from a distance. This way you can effectively think through the situation without becoming consumed by your feelings.

Next examine your internal dialogue about yourself and rework your negative narrative and destructive thoughts. Perhaps you are feeling guilty for being vulnerable with your partner; gently acknowledge that this is more an indication of your human need for affection than it is a weakness on your part.

Accept the fact that it happened; painful experiences are part of the fabric of life. Is part of your reluctance to forgive due to the fact that you have a distorted perception of what love is and how you think your partner should always act toward you?

Relieve your experiencing of pain by using self-soothing techniques such as tuning into your breathing for a few moments. The practice of focusing on your breath as you breathe in and out helps to relieve emotional stress.

Shift your attention from dwelling on your pain by observing and indulging in the easily overlooked simple, yet inspiring aspects of life around you. Notice the way that the sunlight shines through your window, listen to a favorite piece of music or take a refreshing walk outdoors. This is the process of letting go.

Now that you have an idea of how to manage the painful emotions what are you going to do in response to what has happened? If for example your partner has been unfaithful, you will need to carefully consider many factors as you try to decide what to do about your relationship. A willingness to accept responsibility for inappropriate actions, a genuine expression of remorse, a willingness to change the inappropriate behavior, a willingness to actively work with you to improve the relationship are all essential steps in the process of working through and healing a relationship where there is deep hurt.

Doing life together

Are real lasting love relationships possible? Yes, hearts can heal and yes, two people can thrive together if they are willing to work through hurt, fear, and anger in order to let it go and love.