“I love my spouse, but I’m no longer in love anymore”? These are chilling words that often precede a downward spiral of emotional disconnection, separation and divorce. Alongside are the emotional consequences of disillusionment, anger, heartbreak and broken lives. (more…)
This is the time of year that many people anticipate. For many it is a time of faith and traditions, a time to celebrate the promise of peace. For others it is a time of frenzied activity as they struggle to meet the demands of holiday preparations. The familiar customs of gift giving, feasting and spending time with family are a major part of this holiday season. However the festive scenes displayed on greeting cards and in busy shopping malls do not always represent what happens behind the closed doors of many homes. (more…)
Are you single and looking? Are you frustrated with the dating game out there? Does it seem that the people you’ve been dating recently are not interested in commitment? Maybe it’s time to take a look at how you’re approaching things.
Clarify your goals
People approach dating with different goals in mind. For some of you it’s an opportunity to get out, have fun with someone you enjoy, but you’re not necessarily interested in pursuing a committed relationship. For others who are single and looking for a long-term commitment, it’s an opportunity to find that special individual with whom you can make a life together. Ask yourself what you are looking for, and be honest. When you meet someone and as you are getting to know him or her, you will be better able to determine if your new love interest shares your goals and expectations.
Communicate your hopes and expectations
After dating for a while, you may realize that you both don’t want the same thing from a relationship. An honest conversation with your love interest is in order. Be wise and take time to consider your options. Regarding the critical issue of lasting commitment, trying to change the other person hardly ever works out well. Give yourself a timeframe to decide whether or not you want to let the relationship go and move on. This is important because the more time you spend with someone, the more likely you are to develop a stronger emotional bond. So if you are leaning towards ending things, don’t give yourself more heartache than you need to by waiting too long.
Be prepared to live with your decision
If you choose to continue the relationship and see what happens, be prepared for disagreements and conflicts about this issue. You may be tempted to ignore the obvious signs that you have different goals, because you so badly want things to work out. Ignoring those signs sets you up for even greater conflict as the relationship progresses. Too often when couples begin their relationship, they minimize or overlook certain aspects of their partner’s personality because they are so love struck. As time goes by those personality quirks become more difficult to tolerate; so you need to decide whether you can learn to love and accept your partner as is.
Being honest with yourself, communicating openly with your partner and listening to the perspective of trusted friends and others who care about you are all helpful as you consider what to do. The possibility of having a viable relationship and your happiness depends on your thoughtful contemplation.
When life is shared between two people, hurting each other isn’t a matter of if … it’s a matter of when. Hurt happens. If you want a successful love relationship, you will need to learn to forgive.
Suggesting forgiveness to someone who has been broken and hurt is like asking a hungry person to give up the last piece of bread. It’s true that you will be hurt again and you are afraid to be taken advantage of if you extend forgiveness. However, it is important to understand that forgiveness benefits you more than it does the person you are forgiving. Forgiving releases you from the tyranny of constantly blaming the other person and helps you to effectively manage feelings of fear, hurt, and anger. This opens the door for the healing process to begin.
Letting it go does not mean ignoring abuse or repeat offenses from your partner. If something has hurt you, learn from it, be wise, and set boundaries to protect yourself.
Manage miscommunication
When two people share a life together, misunderstandings and miscommunications are a given. To ease the communication process, it is necessary to keep the right perspective. When there are minor problems, do not turn them into huge issues. Perhaps your partner forgot your birthday. Counteract your fears of being unloved with the truth that your partner is human and probably just made a mistake. Think about the other things your partner does that show love and consideration.
Forgiving and healing is complex when the hurt is deep
Sometimes the wounds you experience in your relationship can be very deep. This is especially true if you have been betrayed, for example if your partner has been unfaithful. An unwillingness to forgive may be your way of trying to protect yourself from being vulnerable again and opening yourself to further hurt. Healing from this kind of betrayal is complex and hard work.
Forgiving this kind of hurt is a process that takes time. Most importantly, it does not mean that you are giving your partner permission to treat you like a doormat. It helps to recognize that forgiveness is the process that releases you from the ongoing damage that occurs when you hold on to feelings of anger and resentment. It is to be distinguished from the work of healing and repairing your relationship, should you choose to remain with your partner.
Choose to forgive
Choosing to forgive is not the same as excusing or ignoring your partner’s responsibility for what was done to hurt you. Choosing to forgive is your way of showing yourself compassion, understanding and love. To begin, examine your thoughts and feelings about what has happened from a standpoint of objectivity. Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions as if you are observing them from a distance. This way you can effectively think through the situation without becoming consumed by your feelings.
Next examine your internal dialogue about yourself and rework your negative narrative and destructive thoughts. Perhaps you are feeling guilty for being vulnerable with your partner; gently acknowledge that this is more an indication of your human need for affection than it is a weakness on your part.
Accept the fact that it happened; painful experiences are part of the fabric of life. Is part of your reluctance to forgive due to the fact that you have a distorted perception of what love is and how you think your partner should always act toward you?
Relieve your experiencing of pain by using self-soothing techniques such as tuning into your breathing for a few moments. The practice of focusing on your breath as you breathe in and out helps to relieve emotional stress.
Shift your attention from dwelling on your pain by observing and indulging in the easily overlooked simple, yet inspiring aspects of life around you. Notice the way that the sunlight shines through your window, listen to a favorite piece of music or take a refreshing walk outdoors. This is the process of letting go.
Now that you have an idea of how to manage the painful emotions what are you going to do in response to what has happened? If for example your partner has been unfaithful, you will need to carefully consider many factors as you try to decide what to do about your relationship. A willingness to accept responsibility for inappropriate actions, a genuine expression of remorse, a willingness to change the inappropriate behavior, a willingness to actively work with you to improve the relationship are all essential steps in the process of working through and healing a relationship where there is deep hurt.
Doing life together
Are real lasting love relationships possible? Yes, hearts can heal and yes, two people can thrive together if they are willing to work through hurt, fear, and anger in order to let it go and love.